National Suicide Prevention Week

For the last day of national suicidal prevention week, I decided to share some of my personal experiance. I talk about depression a lot, but suicidal thoughts a lot less, because as this comic
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html
that I shared earlier this week says, it's a difficult thing to tell someone. Should you tell it in a knock-knock joke? That's not serious enough. Yell it then run away? That's startling. I'm also always worried people will think that it's just a ploy for attention or something, because that seems to be a misconception people have about suicide. Or that they'll freak out and I'll end up in a hospital.
I remember the first time I was something that could possibly be called suicidal was when I was about 13. I was alone and scared and didn't have a vocabulary that included words about mental health. All I knew was that I was in ridiculous indescribable pain, and had been so for what seemed like forever, though it was probably only a few months. I still have journals from that time. It is clear from my journal entries was that I really wanted death, because it seemed like the only way my pain would stop, but I thought people who committed suicide went to hell, and though I wasn't sure how hell could be any worse than what I was living through, I put aside the thought of suicide just in case hell was worse.
I've long since stopped believing that people who commit suicide go to hell, but I've not stopped being suicidal. I've thought about it a lot and I don't really know what keeps me from following through, since my mental health still is far from great, and things are difficult more often than not. Perhaps it is my friends, or God, even though when I'm suicidal I don't think I have either of those things. But they have me, and for that I'm grateful.

DYA Again

I've written about the Duke Youth Academy for Christian Formation before, but I worked for DYA again this year, and wanted to reflect on it again. 

My depression and anxiety are somewhat like channels on a radio that have been playing in my head for the past 8 years, sometimes both at once, sometimes one or the other. Since getting on Prozac about a year and a half ago, depression plays much softer and in the background, though sometimes it still becomes so loud it overwhelms everything else. In my journal during DYA I wrote "DYA is the only place where the radio stops for periods of time. I don't forget what the songs sound like, but I can look forward to an eternity without hearing them." 

DYA isn't only great because I don't feel mentally ill, but also because I do feel deeply well. The community and fellowship DYA creates is perhaps my favorite thing about it. I have mild PTSD from church growing up, and it's really difficult for me to connect to formal congregations even if the people are nice individually. The people at DYA aren’t perfect, but they have a strong desire to know God and love one another more deeply. Hearing from Duke Divinity School professors, mentors, staff, and other students discuss what they’ve learned about God and where they have experienced God is always beautiful. Even when we’re not directly discussing God, conversations feel deeply satisfying, whether we’re laughing about something stupid, or talking about problems back at home. People care about each other because they believe God cares about each other and this creates a beautiful community. It's one of the only places I can believe people care about me. Worship and morning prayer reflects the beliefs we discuss during the day, which makes it a deeply powerful experience. Communion reminds us of God’s sacrifice and love. Art and prayer practices allow us to experience creativity and reflect on our creative God. 

The other day online I read that Yugen is a Japanese word that means “an awareness of the universe that triggers emotional responses too deep and powerful for words”. I am not sure if that definition is accurate or not, but it instantly brought to mind DYA. Through DYA our community focuses on trying to understand and worship the creative loving God who made the universe and saved us through the person of Christ. And for me that creates a deep emotional response too powerful for words. 

I wrote the following poem because sometimes when I struggle with prose words, I find poetry expresses my sentiments better, if still incompletely. This is only my second draft of it. I usually revise poems many times before sharing, but I want to share it now anyway.

DYA

Where the Restless find Rest,
the Hopeless find Hope,

the Cutters find Healing,

the Homeless a Home.

Where people are loved

no matter what perceived gender

or sex

they love

or don’t love.

Where arguments happen,

people apologize, are forgiven,

and reconciled.

Where broken people are

made whole through the broken body of God.

The God of those who hear God often,

and those who never do.

The God of the Israelites,

the Saints, the Sinners,

those rejoicing, and those screaming to God

“Why?”

The God of those we love and those we hate,

the straights, the queers, the liberals, conservatives, artists, foreigners,

Catholics, Methodists, Baptists, Non-denomination, and non-Christian.

The God of the Big Bang,

of fire, ice, DNA, evolution,

and the water cycle

leaves fingerprints

all over creation

to cry out

“You are Mine. And I love you.”

Disability Services

Well, I was planning on writing a blog once a week, but I've been busy helping my mom after she had surgery, so I didn't quite get around to blogging last week. Maybe I'll make it a goal to blog every other week.

When I went to Universal Florida a few weeks ago I was extremely excited. DYA is my favorite thing, but Harry Potter is my second favorite thing. I loved Harry Potter world, and the rest of the park was cool as well. I went expecting to spend much of my time in Harry Potter world, and some of it in the rest of the park, waiting or shopping while my parents and brother rode rides. I've never been a big fan of most types of rides. In addition to depression, I also have anxiety issues and am claustrophobic and don't like to be strapped into rides. I also have never liked heights or the feeling of my stomach dropping. I do enjoy walking around amusement parks though, so I just thought I'd do that.

After several lovely hours in Harry Potter world looking at every possible thing there was to look at, my family finally approached Hogwarts, which appeared to be only accessible through a ride, which had several warnings that indicated to me that I was very unlikely to enjoy riding it. My family looked for another entrance to the castle, but we couldn't find one. I told them to ride it and let me know if I could possibly handle it, and I would just look at things because I could live in Hogsmeade and be happy. I was kind of bummed that I couldn't get into the castle, but I was still really happy to be there. When my family got off the ride, they told me I would not have liked it, but that they asked an attendant if I could just go through the castle but not get on the ride, and they said sure. When I heard that I was almost as excited as when I first found out I'd be going to Harry Potter world. I felt somewhat awkward and embarrassed asking attendants about just looking and not riding the ride, because many people in my life have often told me to just "get over" my anxiety and do the things that provoke it anyway, which is sometimes practical advice, except when I've already done those things and know I'm not about to get over them anytime soon. So I let my Dad ask them for me, and I got to see the castle and it was super amazing.

After Harry Potter world, we went to some other things I was excited about seeing, only to find out there were also rides with a long list of warnings. I don't know why I wasn't envisioning rides associated with popular movies in a theme park, I guess I just didn't think much outside of Harry Potter. My family went on one or two rides without me, but my parents felt bad about leaving me behind even though I really didn't care. My brother wanted to see a 4-D type show, but I had never seen the movie it was based on, and don't really like being in moving chairs even if I'm not strapped in, so I didn't want to go. Again, my parents really didn't want to leave me for a long time and then someone noticed on the park map describing the rides and other attractions that some of them had "Stationary Seating Available" listed next to them, including the ride my brother wanted to ride. So I reluctantly went in, still feeling somewhat awkward and embarrassed, and there was a lady directing people and she pointed out the stationary seating, so I sat there and enjoyed the show and also enjoyed not being shaken around by the seats. I'm pretty sure I went on everything in the park that had a stationary seating option, and I had to ask attendants where the seating was just about every time, and by the end of the second day at the park I felt confident in asking them and excited to get on the ride. The park attendants were really friendly and helpful about it. I was somewhat concerned because I do not appear to have a physical disability that would keep me from riding anything, but no one gave a second thought to me asking for the stationary seating, which I believe is mostly for physically disabled individuals. They were also nice when I anxiously asked for details about the few rides I got on that I was strapped into and they told me exactly what happened on the ride so I felt ok about getting on them.

One of my favorite rides had stationary seating, and before it started I looked down the row I was sitting on and saw someone in a wheelchair, someone to heavy to fit into the seats, and a mom who was with a child too short to be in the strapped in seats. Then there was me, with my mental illness that would otherwise have prevented me from being on the ride. And I really loved it. I appreciated the care taken to ensure that everyone could at least have some experience. I would guess that it's probably not about deep concerned for disabled people, but probably because they're afraid of getting sued or something like that that the parks do that, but that could just be the cynic in me. Whatever the reason was I was really glad.

I had not thought much about disability access prior to going here. I don't know much about physical disabilities as they're not a part of my everyday life, but mental disabilities certainly are. I don't know if it's appropriate to equate the two, as I'm sure both are very challenging in different ways. I'm not even sure mental illness and mental disabilities should be equated. In the past I've learned about a lot of disability services offered for those with mental illness at my university, but I only took advantage of one, because I felt like it would be awkward, or I thought about the people I know who are worse than me. I also didn't like the idea of receiving "special treatment" because I often hear people complain about others getting "special treatment". What I did take advantage of at school was tremendously helpful to me though. Life is hard for everyone, I think, in different ways. I am close to the struggles of those with mental health problems though, and I think their lives are just a bit more difficult because we deal with the same problems everyone else does, but also are sick all the time. The same is possibly true of those with physical disabilities, that their lives are a bit harder.

I suppose my main thought on this is when everyday life is a struggle because of a long term disability, it's really nice when someone goes out of their way to allow you to get as close as possible to the experience everyone else has.

Also, forgive any spelling or grammar errors, I didn't intend to write this much or this late. I will try to blog again next week, if I can think of a topic.

Update

I haven't blogged in almost one year. I think I'd like to start blogging once a week, but I'm not sure how long that'll last. I'll probably run out of things to say within a month or so, but we'll see.

I'm not sure who reads this or if people get anything out of it, but I like writing, and haven't done much for pleasure this past school year. 

I started taking prozac December of 2011, so I've been on it a little over a year now. It has been pretty amazing. It's part of the reason I haven't blogged much, because I haven't been as depressed as often. I went from being suicidal countless times a year, to between 2-3 times since I've started taking it. I never imagined that would happen. It's difficult to say what exactly the prozac does to keep me from being suicidal, but I'm glad it does. One interesting effect this has had on me is to somewhat devalue therapy for me personally. I certainly gained one or two useful insights over my many years of therapy with several different therapists, but absolutely nothing that was helpful in keeping me from being super depressed and suicidal. The prozac very quickly almost entirely turned that off. Clearly everything is not perfect because I've still been depressed enough to be suicidal a couple times, and depressed to a lesser extent many times. Some ideas I learned from therapy can be useful for my milder depression occasionally. The only bad thing about the prozac is it makes me really tired. Not tired enough to be too debilitating, but tired enough to be annoying. I'm not sure I want to stay on it for long, but I'm also not sure I want to change drugs. I'm sure my thinking will evolve over time in regards to both medication and therapy.

I am not thrilled with where I find myself in life right now. I graduated from a school I love which was a cool accomplishment, but I'll really miss it, and have no job and am living with my parents, which is much more stressful than being at school. Last summer I was fired from a menial job I loved working at, which was terrible for my self-esteem, and then I couldn't find another menial job, which was also bad for me. I want to work because I want to make money and not live with my parents, but I don't want to work because if I can't do a job as simple as the one I was fired from, what can I possibly do well. I do have my favorite job coming up for two and a half weeks this summer at Duke, but that still leaves the rest of the year where I need to do something. 

So overall, there's good and bad things going on, which I guess is just life. Next week I'm going to blog about some of my thoughts on disability services for the physically and mentally handicapped.