National Suicide Prevention Week

For the last day of national suicidal prevention week, I decided to share some of my personal experiance. I talk about depression a lot, but suicidal thoughts a lot less, because as this comic
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html
that I shared earlier this week says, it's a difficult thing to tell someone. Should you tell it in a knock-knock joke? That's not serious enough. Yell it then run away? That's startling. I'm also always worried people will think that it's just a ploy for attention or something, because that seems to be a misconception people have about suicide. Or that they'll freak out and I'll end up in a hospital.
I remember the first time I was something that could possibly be called suicidal was when I was about 13. I was alone and scared and didn't have a vocabulary that included words about mental health. All I knew was that I was in ridiculous indescribable pain, and had been so for what seemed like forever, though it was probably only a few months. I still have journals from that time. It is clear from my journal entries was that I really wanted death, because it seemed like the only way my pain would stop, but I thought people who committed suicide went to hell, and though I wasn't sure how hell could be any worse than what I was living through, I put aside the thought of suicide just in case hell was worse.
I've long since stopped believing that people who commit suicide go to hell, but I've not stopped being suicidal. I've thought about it a lot and I don't really know what keeps me from following through, since my mental health still is far from great, and things are difficult more often than not. Perhaps it is my friends, or God, even though when I'm suicidal I don't think I have either of those things. But they have me, and for that I'm grateful.

DYA Again

I've written about the Duke Youth Academy for Christian Formation before, but I worked for DYA again this year, and wanted to reflect on it again. 

My depression and anxiety are somewhat like channels on a radio that have been playing in my head for the past 8 years, sometimes both at once, sometimes one or the other. Since getting on Prozac about a year and a half ago, depression plays much softer and in the background, though sometimes it still becomes so loud it overwhelms everything else. In my journal during DYA I wrote "DYA is the only place where the radio stops for periods of time. I don't forget what the songs sound like, but I can look forward to an eternity without hearing them." 

DYA isn't only great because I don't feel mentally ill, but also because I do feel deeply well. The community and fellowship DYA creates is perhaps my favorite thing about it. I have mild PTSD from church growing up, and it's really difficult for me to connect to formal congregations even if the people are nice individually. The people at DYA aren’t perfect, but they have a strong desire to know God and love one another more deeply. Hearing from Duke Divinity School professors, mentors, staff, and other students discuss what they’ve learned about God and where they have experienced God is always beautiful. Even when we’re not directly discussing God, conversations feel deeply satisfying, whether we’re laughing about something stupid, or talking about problems back at home. People care about each other because they believe God cares about each other and this creates a beautiful community. It's one of the only places I can believe people care about me. Worship and morning prayer reflects the beliefs we discuss during the day, which makes it a deeply powerful experience. Communion reminds us of God’s sacrifice and love. Art and prayer practices allow us to experience creativity and reflect on our creative God. 

The other day online I read that Yugen is a Japanese word that means “an awareness of the universe that triggers emotional responses too deep and powerful for words”. I am not sure if that definition is accurate or not, but it instantly brought to mind DYA. Through DYA our community focuses on trying to understand and worship the creative loving God who made the universe and saved us through the person of Christ. And for me that creates a deep emotional response too powerful for words. 

I wrote the following poem because sometimes when I struggle with prose words, I find poetry expresses my sentiments better, if still incompletely. This is only my second draft of it. I usually revise poems many times before sharing, but I want to share it now anyway.

DYA

Where the Restless find Rest,
the Hopeless find Hope,

the Cutters find Healing,

the Homeless a Home.

Where people are loved

no matter what perceived gender

or sex

they love

or don’t love.

Where arguments happen,

people apologize, are forgiven,

and reconciled.

Where broken people are

made whole through the broken body of God.

The God of those who hear God often,

and those who never do.

The God of the Israelites,

the Saints, the Sinners,

those rejoicing, and those screaming to God

“Why?”

The God of those we love and those we hate,

the straights, the queers, the liberals, conservatives, artists, foreigners,

Catholics, Methodists, Baptists, Non-denomination, and non-Christian.

The God of the Big Bang,

of fire, ice, DNA, evolution,

and the water cycle

leaves fingerprints

all over creation

to cry out

“You are Mine. And I love you.”

Disability Services

Well, I was planning on writing a blog once a week, but I've been busy helping my mom after she had surgery, so I didn't quite get around to blogging last week. Maybe I'll make it a goal to blog every other week.

When I went to Universal Florida a few weeks ago I was extremely excited. DYA is my favorite thing, but Harry Potter is my second favorite thing. I loved Harry Potter world, and the rest of the park was cool as well. I went expecting to spend much of my time in Harry Potter world, and some of it in the rest of the park, waiting or shopping while my parents and brother rode rides. I've never been a big fan of most types of rides. In addition to depression, I also have anxiety issues and am claustrophobic and don't like to be strapped into rides. I also have never liked heights or the feeling of my stomach dropping. I do enjoy walking around amusement parks though, so I just thought I'd do that.

After several lovely hours in Harry Potter world looking at every possible thing there was to look at, my family finally approached Hogwarts, which appeared to be only accessible through a ride, which had several warnings that indicated to me that I was very unlikely to enjoy riding it. My family looked for another entrance to the castle, but we couldn't find one. I told them to ride it and let me know if I could possibly handle it, and I would just look at things because I could live in Hogsmeade and be happy. I was kind of bummed that I couldn't get into the castle, but I was still really happy to be there. When my family got off the ride, they told me I would not have liked it, but that they asked an attendant if I could just go through the castle but not get on the ride, and they said sure. When I heard that I was almost as excited as when I first found out I'd be going to Harry Potter world. I felt somewhat awkward and embarrassed asking attendants about just looking and not riding the ride, because many people in my life have often told me to just "get over" my anxiety and do the things that provoke it anyway, which is sometimes practical advice, except when I've already done those things and know I'm not about to get over them anytime soon. So I let my Dad ask them for me, and I got to see the castle and it was super amazing.

After Harry Potter world, we went to some other things I was excited about seeing, only to find out there were also rides with a long list of warnings. I don't know why I wasn't envisioning rides associated with popular movies in a theme park, I guess I just didn't think much outside of Harry Potter. My family went on one or two rides without me, but my parents felt bad about leaving me behind even though I really didn't care. My brother wanted to see a 4-D type show, but I had never seen the movie it was based on, and don't really like being in moving chairs even if I'm not strapped in, so I didn't want to go. Again, my parents really didn't want to leave me for a long time and then someone noticed on the park map describing the rides and other attractions that some of them had "Stationary Seating Available" listed next to them, including the ride my brother wanted to ride. So I reluctantly went in, still feeling somewhat awkward and embarrassed, and there was a lady directing people and she pointed out the stationary seating, so I sat there and enjoyed the show and also enjoyed not being shaken around by the seats. I'm pretty sure I went on everything in the park that had a stationary seating option, and I had to ask attendants where the seating was just about every time, and by the end of the second day at the park I felt confident in asking them and excited to get on the ride. The park attendants were really friendly and helpful about it. I was somewhat concerned because I do not appear to have a physical disability that would keep me from riding anything, but no one gave a second thought to me asking for the stationary seating, which I believe is mostly for physically disabled individuals. They were also nice when I anxiously asked for details about the few rides I got on that I was strapped into and they told me exactly what happened on the ride so I felt ok about getting on them.

One of my favorite rides had stationary seating, and before it started I looked down the row I was sitting on and saw someone in a wheelchair, someone to heavy to fit into the seats, and a mom who was with a child too short to be in the strapped in seats. Then there was me, with my mental illness that would otherwise have prevented me from being on the ride. And I really loved it. I appreciated the care taken to ensure that everyone could at least have some experience. I would guess that it's probably not about deep concerned for disabled people, but probably because they're afraid of getting sued or something like that that the parks do that, but that could just be the cynic in me. Whatever the reason was I was really glad.

I had not thought much about disability access prior to going here. I don't know much about physical disabilities as they're not a part of my everyday life, but mental disabilities certainly are. I don't know if it's appropriate to equate the two, as I'm sure both are very challenging in different ways. I'm not even sure mental illness and mental disabilities should be equated. In the past I've learned about a lot of disability services offered for those with mental illness at my university, but I only took advantage of one, because I felt like it would be awkward, or I thought about the people I know who are worse than me. I also didn't like the idea of receiving "special treatment" because I often hear people complain about others getting "special treatment". What I did take advantage of at school was tremendously helpful to me though. Life is hard for everyone, I think, in different ways. I am close to the struggles of those with mental health problems though, and I think their lives are just a bit more difficult because we deal with the same problems everyone else does, but also are sick all the time. The same is possibly true of those with physical disabilities, that their lives are a bit harder.

I suppose my main thought on this is when everyday life is a struggle because of a long term disability, it's really nice when someone goes out of their way to allow you to get as close as possible to the experience everyone else has.

Also, forgive any spelling or grammar errors, I didn't intend to write this much or this late. I will try to blog again next week, if I can think of a topic.

Update

I haven't blogged in almost one year. I think I'd like to start blogging once a week, but I'm not sure how long that'll last. I'll probably run out of things to say within a month or so, but we'll see.

I'm not sure who reads this or if people get anything out of it, but I like writing, and haven't done much for pleasure this past school year. 

I started taking prozac December of 2011, so I've been on it a little over a year now. It has been pretty amazing. It's part of the reason I haven't blogged much, because I haven't been as depressed as often. I went from being suicidal countless times a year, to between 2-3 times since I've started taking it. I never imagined that would happen. It's difficult to say what exactly the prozac does to keep me from being suicidal, but I'm glad it does. One interesting effect this has had on me is to somewhat devalue therapy for me personally. I certainly gained one or two useful insights over my many years of therapy with several different therapists, but absolutely nothing that was helpful in keeping me from being super depressed and suicidal. The prozac very quickly almost entirely turned that off. Clearly everything is not perfect because I've still been depressed enough to be suicidal a couple times, and depressed to a lesser extent many times. Some ideas I learned from therapy can be useful for my milder depression occasionally. The only bad thing about the prozac is it makes me really tired. Not tired enough to be too debilitating, but tired enough to be annoying. I'm not sure I want to stay on it for long, but I'm also not sure I want to change drugs. I'm sure my thinking will evolve over time in regards to both medication and therapy.

I am not thrilled with where I find myself in life right now. I graduated from a school I love which was a cool accomplishment, but I'll really miss it, and have no job and am living with my parents, which is much more stressful than being at school. Last summer I was fired from a menial job I loved working at, which was terrible for my self-esteem, and then I couldn't find another menial job, which was also bad for me. I want to work because I want to make money and not live with my parents, but I don't want to work because if I can't do a job as simple as the one I was fired from, what can I possibly do well. I do have my favorite job coming up for two and a half weeks this summer at Duke, but that still leaves the rest of the year where I need to do something. 

So overall, there's good and bad things going on, which I guess is just life. Next week I'm going to blog about some of my thoughts on disability services for the physically and mentally handicapped. 

DYA is my favorite

I recently finished working two and a half weeks for the Duke Youth Academy. I'm sure most people got tired of hearing me say DYA is my favorite thing, since I said it every day several times a day. I thought I'd try to explain why it was my favorite in more detail, since several people asked and I wasn't able to give anyone the whole story. I’ve detailed more specifically the things I’ve gotten out of DYA when I was younger in other blog posts, but basically what I got out of attending as a student was that when I was in high school, after 3 years of dealing with crippling major depression, having no friends and being made fun of or ignored by my peers in school and church, for two weeks at DYA I started to feel alive again, and my suicidal thoughts started fading. I met people who liked me and were nice to me and could feel God in my life again. My life was forever changed by the people I met and what I experienced. I made friends I still keep up with today who have helped me in many various circumstances and have generally been a joy to know. Because of DYA I worked at Camp Chestnut Ridge for 2 summers and met many more lovely people who have been wonderful in my life. Going to the DYA reunions I met more DYA-ers from other years who were just as great as the people my year, but were older and had more life experience, which was and is great. Prior to DYA going to Divinity school had never registered as a possibility for my future, but I considered it a strong option after DYA. Various other things in my life came together that finally made me decide to go to Divinity school (details of that are actually in my previous blog post). I'm thinking I'll most likely be a professor rather than a pastor, but we'll see. After this year's DYA my fellow staff members talked to me about taking some time off between college and Divinity school, which I will probably do, though I'm not sure what I'll do in that in between time yet.

I feel so blessed to have been able to work for DYA this year as an RA. When I attended DYA I was sure my RA’s hated me and my roommate because we were always talking past lights out, and we were slow in the morning. We got yelled at a lot. I made it a goal not to yell at the students….which only lasted a few days. I wasn’t yelling from a place of anger, I just preferred yelling to softly saying the same thing at each door. And it seems more effective at hurrying people along to where they need to be. So it’s possible the students thought I didn’t like them, but I really loved all of them, and now I’m sure my RA’s loved me as well. I didn't get to interact with the students as much as I would have liked to, but I got to do the everyday tasks that make it possible for them to experience DYA like I did, which made me so happy. And the times I did get to interact with the kids were great. They were such an awesome group of young people.

My second day of staff training I wrote in my journal "Brian, Kep, Allison and King James are really great. I think we're going to make a great RA Team." And we totally were! I have slight PTSD around church people because of bad experiences with my church growing up, and DYA and Camp Chestnut Ridge are the only places where I can really relax in worship. I still don't feel comfortable praying out loud even at DYA though, which I told my RA group. James asked me if I would like to pray about every other day and I replied "no thank you." At our last RA morning meeting though, I did pray out loud, because of all the love and support the other RA's showed me all throughout the 2 weeks. I loved working with everyone at DYA, and appreciated the times the mentors and other people helped the RA's out. People supporting me the day my parents moved from my beautiful childhood home was a blessing as well. I’m also thankful for James and Paul helping me pack my car after DYA in the ridiculous heat. And Martine and Heidi’s sweet notes in my mailbox. And Martine, Allison, and Ronya-Lee dancing. And everyone who played music and sang and painted. For Russ, Lindsey, Kep, James, and Andrew making me laugh, Hannah’s smile, Laura and I laughing in church. For Peter and Alaina listening to me. And for Kep teaching me to throw a pot, and for Katherine letting us use her wheel. And Matthew and Paul helping me with my continued fear of church. And the people from past years that have helped support me getting on antidepressants and continuing to deal with my mental health problems. And inside jokes: channel 2 on the walkie, “Thank you SO MUCH!” “Thesis #4 YOU ARE A SINNER!” “I fail to knit together how YOUR house burning down is MY problem”.  In the Lord I’ll be ever thankful. The really great thing about DYA for me is that the community doesn't end when we leave one another. If any DYA students are reading this, DYA doesn't have to end. You can always be super crazy like me and go to all the reunions and then work for DYA someday (I highly recommend this).

I laughed so much at DYA, and I love laughing. I got so many hugs at DYA and I love hugs. I learned new things about God, which I love, and met new people who showed me God's love, which I also love. Even if I didn’t mention your name above, every single staff member has a special place in my heart, because you made me feel loved and accepted, and many of the students showed God’s love to me in different ways every day. I learned some new ways to pray, got to do morning prayer in Duke Chapel (which didn't happen when I was a student), got to play card games and show people my pet fish Gill. For me, life doesn't get much better than that.

A little slow on the uptake...

I attended the Duke Youth Academy for Christian formation (DYA) almost 4 years ago, the summer between my Junior and Senior year of high school. It's the best thing I've ever done, but other than that description, I've always had a hard time explaining it to people. It's similar to many church things I've been to over the years with some slightly different activities as well. There was lots of worship, preaching, community service, art, prayer, and listening to the Divinity School Professors. But it far surpassed anything I had done before or anything I've done since, and I couldn't really explain why, other than it's just a really great community and program. Every time I've gone back for reunions, I feel just like I did when I went there, and it's the only place where I feel deeply good, and the place my depression and anxiety least affect me. When I went to the reunion this summer, I think they asked us to reflect on what we liked about DYA, and I wrote that I enjoyed learning about God. I hear a lot about God and go to church often, but I didn't feel like I was learning new things about God like I did/do at DYA. That was the first time I really thought about that. I didn't really think much about it after that. Then I heard Dr. Hauerwas read an excerpt from his memoir, which I deeply related to, immediately bought, and read over the summer. It made me seriously consider being a theologian as a profession. I've never wanted to be a pastor, but being a theologian like Hauerwas seemed pretty great.

So flash forward to yesterday morning, where I was taking an exam in my evolution of vertebrate life class, and one of the questions was something like "People who studied nature as a means of learning about God were called ________" the answer is "naturalists", but in my head I thought "that's me". I've always loved science and never found it to be conflicting with my faith, but rather enhancing my awe of who God was and his beautiful, incredible creation.

So later that night, I was reading a book called The Passionate Intellect, which I hadn't gotten far into, but was enjoying. It reminded me of DYA for some reason. Of course, it is a religious book about theology, so it makes sense that that would remind me of theology camp. I got through a paragraph of the book which was describing what theology is and just stopped reading as a series of realizations hit me, all of which were wonderful and I would like to now share. I think the quote in the book that stopped me was "By refreshing our vision of God, theology ensures that we constantly present faith as a dynamic, transformative reality to our culture. We speak of God, not in terms of wooden repetition of the past, but with the excitement and passion of discovery and commitment."

So now comes the shocking revelation I had, which is really quite simple and I was very surprised it took me almost 4 years to realize. It made me feel like a bit of a failure at learning what DYA was teaching, but all the Professors were really smart, so maybe they just didn't go over the basics. Or maybe they did and I wasn't paying attention. Before last night I would have told you I liked learning about theology and the DYA taught me a lot about theology, and it certainly did. But what I suddenly came to realize was that DYA didn't just teach me about theology, it WAS theology, in action. We were living and doing theology all the time. And I can finally say that is WHY it's the best thing I've ever done. I loved living theology "with the excitement and passion of discovery" as the book I was reading last night said. That was the thing about DYA that made it the best thing I've ever done. I loved learning about church traditions and different beliefs and styles and doing theology myself instead of someone doing it for me and telling me what it meant and what it looked like. I was free to draw, dance, pray, sing, learn, and accept the theology I wanted to, and was constantly getting new suggestions and encouragement on how I could go about that. So yea, someone may have said that was what DYA was about at some point, but I definitely missed that. I thought it was about making people go into ministry or something. And it's probably about that too, but for me, what made it the best thing ever was that it was theology. and I just realized that last night.

Also, last night I realized why I loved Hauerwas' memoir so much. I had explained that book to people much in the same way I explained DYA. I loved the book, but couldn't really put my finger on why I loved it. I felt like I was just like Hauerwas. Except that I'm not an 80 year old man who likes cursing and is super smart. We don't really have the same life experiences or the same personality, but like I told a couple people, it's like we both think in the same way, go through the same sort of processing of things that happen in our life. It wasn't quite that either though. So last night I of course realized that the reason I loved the book is that Hauerwas is a theologian. And so am I. Not professionally of course, but it's what I've always loved. Hauerwas and I, like many others, love learning new things about a God who is alive and not static. About church traditions that have been forgotten, or marginalized, but are so important.

So now I'm pretty sure I have to go to Divinity school and be a theologian. Last night I suddenly felt like my whole life made sense. This morning I realized there were still lots of things about my life that were confusing and sucked, but I still understand so much more about myself than I did yesterday morning. I have always been frustrated with school because I like so many subjects and didn't want to chose one to major in. I finally settled on Biology with a minor in American Indian studies, and last night I also realized that the reason I love those things is rooted in my love of theology. I love learning about those things because in learning about them, I learn new things about God, and new ways to understand Him. It's also why I love writing poetry, singing, playing guitar, and astronomy. But I didn't love any of those things enough that I felt like I wanted to do them for the rest of my life. I think I could enjoy doing theology for the rest of my life though. Because at the root of all the subjects I enjoy is the fact that I think differently and interact differently with God because of them. But I might love Biology enough to do something with that for the rest of my life too. We'll just have to wait and see.

What would I give up?

Lately I've been thinking about what I would or wouldn't give to be rid of my depression.

I was thinking about all the things I've already given. Almost all my savings from high school and almost all my money earned over the summer in college. I give away my pride and dignity every time I go to a counselors office, psychiatrists office, or counseling and wellness at my school. I've given lots of time and tears and effort to therapy, purchased and read several books my therapists recommended. I've spent hours online trying to look into the best ways of helping myself, either personally, or by looking for the right people to help. I feel like I spend the majority of my time thinking about my depression, how I could get rid of it, what I could do to make it better, what I should avoid to make it worse.

I started a new medication about a month ago, in addition to the medication I was already taking. While the first medication I was on, helped in the fact that it allowed me to (most of the time) at least remember having been happy before while I was having a suicidal episode, where I couldn't do that before no matter what notes I wrote myself or had friends tell me. However, the level of pain I experience from my depression was so unbearable as to reach being suicidal often, so my psychiatrist and I decided to try a new medication in addition to the one I was already taking. Any time I change my medication, it makes me very physically sick. It hurts my head and stomach and makes me dizzy and nauseated, and sometimes has other effects. Those things are nothing to the pain my depression brings me. However, this new medication, like other SSRI's I've tried, makes me extremely tired. This isn't much of a problem now since I'm on winter break, but it will be if I go back to school. Last time I was on SSRI's I was sleeping 10 hours a night and taking multiple hour naps during the day. It's difficult to get much schoolwork done that way.

However, since being on my new antidepressant, I haven't been suicidal once, which is much better than the few times a week that I was before I got on it. I still don't feel super, but that is a nice improvement. But is it worth it if I can't get schoolwork done? Is it worth it to want to live, but be to tired to do anything? What can I feasibly give up in order to be well again? I'm not sure. I've been thinking about it all break. My stomach hasn't worked properly in a year because of my first antidepressant. I decided it was worth it though, to be able to hold onto a sliver of reality when I'm trapped by irrationality and pain. I don't know if not sleeping is worth not being suicidal though. Because being sleepy and being depressed are sometimes similar feelings. Before trying this new medication, I was actually slightly considering the possibility of trying electroshock therapy, or some sort of brain surgery, because I've read about those things helping persistent cases of depression. Those things can have unwanted side effects like losing your memory though, so I'm probably not going to go there any time soon. But it's still something I think about. Because I've suffered so much pain these past 7 years and I've long ago forgotten what being healthy was like. I feel like I would do anything to get rid of my depression, but if I get rid of feeling awake, or my memories, will life be worth living then? I don't know.

Just things I've been thinking about. As always, feel free to comment. Hope everyone is having a nice holiday break, I know I am.