Breaks from school are always hard for me. All my friends are gone, and I don't talk to them much. I do enjoy coming home and being able to see the stars at night, snuggle with my poodle on the couch watching a movie with my family as my dad snores and eat my favorite dinners my mom cooked for me. I like hanging out with my brother too. However I miss school. It is nice to not have any deadlines for things that are due, but I almost miss the constant business. I like knowing that I have to be in classes at a certain time, have choir practice, therapy, and yoga at certain times. I don't like having a lot of time to myself to think. I hate listening to myself. I tried doing it earlier, and actually managed it for about a minute. But then I got on the computer.
I feel like this new medication I'm on may be the right one for me. It has some unfortunate side effects, but my mind has felt much healthier the last few weeks, though I still have many more struggles to work through. I haven't wanted to die for like two weeks, which is the longest I've gone since summer. Coming home made me think about dying for the first time in a while, though not seriously or for very long.
I want to be perfect. Don't you? Maybe not, maybe you've realized that's a silly thought, but I still hold that belief. I will tell you that I honestly believe I will never be perfect in this life; however, my actions still strive for perfection constantly. I can never accept who I am, or where I'm at in life. But maybe I'll be able to someday. At least I'm at the point where I can objectively look at the situation. My therapists and some of my friends always tell me I'm very insightful into my problems. To which I respond, that's great, but it doesn't really do much for me, because I can't get out. One thing at a time though. I'm not perfect.
Late night ramblings almost done now...hope I spelled everything right and used correct grammar. If not, please forgive me.
And I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season. :)
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