Back to School

I am not happy about being back at school. I really enjoyed break and really don't enjoy the massive amounts of homework I have. I do enjoy seeing my friends again though, and love my choir. I'm becoming happier the more things I'm getting back into the swing of at school. I haven't written in a while because I don't really know what to say. I feel weird. I told a friend that and they asked "weird in a good or bad way?" I said I don't know. I feel better in one way. I think this new medication is pretty good. I have very few side effects from it and it has decreased the frequency with which I experience such debilitatingly painful depression that I wish I was dead. So that is definitely good. However, I'm not really sure what normal is supposed to feel like. Suicidal thoughts clearly fall into the "not normal" or problematic category, but other than that, I don't feel like I really know where the line is drawn between normal bad and depression bad. I've been operating so long on having to deal with depression bad, that now that I feel  normal bad, I'm not sure I know how to deal with it, or even describe how I feel. I'm actually not really sure that if I'm feeling normal bad or abnormal bad. It's just weird. I feel frustrated by the lack of language I can come up with to describe how I'm feeling right now. I don't know how I feel and I don't know what to do to make me feel better. But even as I type that, I'm thinking to myself, do I actually feel bad? Because for so long, bad has typically been synonymous with unbearably depressed bad, that I don't even know how to define my life anymore. Perhaps I'll get better at it with practice. I don't even know if what I'm typing makes sense. Oh well.
Anyway, I found this song lyric as I was browsing through my journal, which I hadn't read in a while, but it really inspired me when I was feeling bad in high school. It made me smile to find it today.
So hold your head up high and know
It's not the end of the road.
Walk this beaten path before
You pack your things and head home.
At the end of the road
You'll find what you've been longing for
You'll find what you've been longing for.
I know 'cause my feet have the scars to show.
-Underoath

If you're a friend that has encouraged me during these past few weeks, I want you to know I appreciate you. I am so lucky to have the friends that I do.