Questions and Accomplishments

Now that I got out my angry-ness in my last post, I thought I'd write a more reflective post.

Today I was thinking back through last year, and wondering what I'd accomplished. Do you always feel like you have to accomplish something? I always feel like I need to be accomplishing something at all times. It's really hard for me to relax. Maybe that's just me though. I was frustrated though, to feel like I hadn't accomplished much over the past school year. I made it through, and that's really the most I can say about that. I'm currently on a medication that I'll stay on for the summer. It helps more than any other medication and has the least side effects, but even though I really want it to work out, I feel certain there are more medication changes in my future, because I'm still not really where I'd like to be. I'm not looking forward to that, but I'll deal with when I get there.

Lately it's been difficult for me to think about the future, because I look in my future and see my Depression following me for the rest of my life. I used to dream about a day when I would be completely healed from it, but I don't think that's ever going to happen. I am almost certain this disease will continue to hurt me for the rest of my life. The only way I can really handle that thought is to acknowledge that at least my symptoms can be managed. The pain Depression inflicts on me is much more manageable with my medication. Still the thought of it never going away, always lying in wait to strike when I'm not expecting it...well that's a real bummer to say the least.

And always I'm tormented by the thought that my Depression is my fault. When I look at it on one hand, my illness is neither something I've chosen, or have control over, any more than any other illness. But then I look at it again and think, so what does that mean about my thoughts? I'm not in control of them? When a delusional person thinks he's flying around having tea parties with unicorns, that thought certainly isn't in there control. Which of my thoughts are mine, and which are a product of an ill brain? It's difficult, if not impossible to say. I feel like there are some things I can do to make my Depression better, so in that way, at least part of it is in my control, so could possibly be my fault. But maybe I just want to think that there's something I can do to make it go away, because the alternative is impossible to deal with. What if there is simply nothing I can do to make it go away? What if it's always there for the rest of my life? Well, that does mean it's not my fault, which relieves me of guilt. But on the other hand, I almost want it to be my fault. I want my suffering to be because of something I did wrong, that way I can find out what I did wrong, then get to fixing it. However, the more I learn in life from reading and talking to people, the more I'm realizing this is most likely not the case. So I guess that leaves me still in between all of these questions with no answers. But even though it is rather frustrating, I think I'm ok with that for the moment.