What would I give up?

Lately I've been thinking about what I would or wouldn't give to be rid of my depression.

I was thinking about all the things I've already given. Almost all my savings from high school and almost all my money earned over the summer in college. I give away my pride and dignity every time I go to a counselors office, psychiatrists office, or counseling and wellness at my school. I've given lots of time and tears and effort to therapy, purchased and read several books my therapists recommended. I've spent hours online trying to look into the best ways of helping myself, either personally, or by looking for the right people to help. I feel like I spend the majority of my time thinking about my depression, how I could get rid of it, what I could do to make it better, what I should avoid to make it worse.

I started a new medication about a month ago, in addition to the medication I was already taking. While the first medication I was on, helped in the fact that it allowed me to (most of the time) at least remember having been happy before while I was having a suicidal episode, where I couldn't do that before no matter what notes I wrote myself or had friends tell me. However, the level of pain I experience from my depression was so unbearable as to reach being suicidal often, so my psychiatrist and I decided to try a new medication in addition to the one I was already taking. Any time I change my medication, it makes me very physically sick. It hurts my head and stomach and makes me dizzy and nauseated, and sometimes has other effects. Those things are nothing to the pain my depression brings me. However, this new medication, like other SSRI's I've tried, makes me extremely tired. This isn't much of a problem now since I'm on winter break, but it will be if I go back to school. Last time I was on SSRI's I was sleeping 10 hours a night and taking multiple hour naps during the day. It's difficult to get much schoolwork done that way.

However, since being on my new antidepressant, I haven't been suicidal once, which is much better than the few times a week that I was before I got on it. I still don't feel super, but that is a nice improvement. But is it worth it if I can't get schoolwork done? Is it worth it to want to live, but be to tired to do anything? What can I feasibly give up in order to be well again? I'm not sure. I've been thinking about it all break. My stomach hasn't worked properly in a year because of my first antidepressant. I decided it was worth it though, to be able to hold onto a sliver of reality when I'm trapped by irrationality and pain. I don't know if not sleeping is worth not being suicidal though. Because being sleepy and being depressed are sometimes similar feelings. Before trying this new medication, I was actually slightly considering the possibility of trying electroshock therapy, or some sort of brain surgery, because I've read about those things helping persistent cases of depression. Those things can have unwanted side effects like losing your memory though, so I'm probably not going to go there any time soon. But it's still something I think about. Because I've suffered so much pain these past 7 years and I've long ago forgotten what being healthy was like. I feel like I would do anything to get rid of my depression, but if I get rid of feeling awake, or my memories, will life be worth living then? I don't know.

Just things I've been thinking about. As always, feel free to comment. Hope everyone is having a nice holiday break, I know I am.