Christmas Break

Breaks from school are always hard for me. All my friends are gone, and I don't talk to them much. I do enjoy coming home and being able to see the stars at night, snuggle with my poodle on the couch watching a movie with my family as my dad snores and eat my favorite dinners my mom cooked for me. I like hanging out with my brother too. However I miss school. It is nice to not have any deadlines for things that are due, but I almost miss the constant business. I like knowing that I have to be in classes at a certain time, have choir practice, therapy, and yoga at certain times. I don't like having a lot of time to myself to think. I hate listening to myself. I tried doing it earlier, and actually managed it for about a minute. But then I got on the computer.

I feel like this new medication I'm on may be the right one for me. It has some unfortunate side effects, but my mind has felt much healthier the last few weeks, though I still have many more struggles to work through. I haven't wanted to die for like two weeks, which is the longest I've gone since summer. Coming home made me think about dying for the first time in a while, though not seriously or for very long.

I want to be perfect. Don't you? Maybe not, maybe you've realized that's a silly thought, but I still hold that belief. I will tell you that I honestly believe I will never be perfect in this life; however, my actions still strive for perfection constantly. I can never accept who I am, or where I'm at in life. But maybe I'll be able to someday. At least I'm at the point where I can objectively look at the situation. My therapists and some of my friends always tell me I'm very insightful into my problems. To which I respond, that's great, but it doesn't really do much for me, because I can't get out. One thing at a time though. I'm not perfect.

Late night ramblings almost done now...hope I spelled everything right and used correct grammar. If not, please forgive me.

And I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season. :)

I Love this Comic!

 http://xkcd.com/828/

Deep Thoughts About Silence

By a student of Henri Nouwen

Silence is night
   and just as there are nights
      with no moon and no stars
when you’re all alone
   totally alone
       when you’re cursed
when you become a nothing
   which no one needs—
So there are silences which are threatening
   because there is nothing except
      the silence.

Even if you open your ears and your eyes
   it keeps going on without hope or relief.

Night with no light, no hope
   I am alone in my guilt
      without forgiveness, without love.

Then, desperately, I go looking for friends
   then I walk the streets – a body, a sign, a sound
         for nothing.

But there are also night with stars
   with a full moon
      with the light from a house in the distance
         and silences which are peaceful and reflective.

The noise of a sparrow in a large empty church
   when my heart wants to sing out with joy
      when I feel that I’m not alone
         when I’m expecting friends
or remember a couple words
   from a poem I read lately
      when I lose myself in a Hail Mary
or the somber voice of a psalm
   when I am me and you are you
      when we aren’t afraid of each other
         when we leave all talk to the angel
who brought us the silence and peace.

Things I'm Thankful for

It's nice to think of things you're thankful for...


I am thankful for food. When the dining hall has watermelon and strawberries. Peaches and pecan pie. Eating good food with good friends, and laughing and sharing life. Pausing for a moment to be together.

I am thankful for conversation. When someone takes the time to talk to me when I'm lonely, when I'm able to comfort someone else who feels alone.

I am thankful for my phone, and computer, and college. And my parents helping to pay for those things.

I am thankful for writing, and reading. For watching leaves fall off the trees and sun set over the water.

I am thankful for my poodle who helps teach me about unconditional love and joy. For the way he snuggles against my feet in bed, the way he howls when I come home, and his goofy smile when he's getting attention and love.

I am thankful for and proud of my brother, who is super awesome.

I am thankful for my choir. For singing and playing guitar. I am thankful for my comfy chair and naps in it.

For my doctors and therapist who care about my health. and all the people who have supported me in my struggles.

For the many churches I have attended or visited, and the wonderful people I have met there.

For camp chestnut ridge and all the wonderful people I met there. For riding horses through fall leaves.

For DYA and the many ways it continues to bless my life.

I am thankful for books. And purple. And the smell of the people I love. And the smell of the sound and the ocean and cedar and horses.

And if you are reading this, I am thankful for you.

:)

New Medication

Today my doctor and I decided to switch from me taking Celexa to Welbutrin. I'll taper off my Celexa for a couple days, then switch to the Welbutrin. Changing meds is usually hard for me, so I'm not looking forward to it, but I am hopeful that I may finally find a drug that makes me feel better. The other day I wrote a cry to God...

How long, how long must we be desperately alone, how long, how long will we have to pay for what we've done? God I'm grieved to the point of death. I'd rather be dead than alive. Living hurts so much. Every day is so hard. I can't do this. Please help me. Please help me. Please help me. Please help me. I can't do it. I don't want to live. It hurts so much. Why? Why? Why? WHY?! Don't you hear my prayers? All I want to do is live for you. I want to want to live. Why can't I have it? Why do you hide your face from me? As a deer thirsts for water, so my heart longs for you. Lord have mercy. HELP ME!! I can't stand it! Where is justice? Where is justice in letting me live? Forgive me God, and help me to forgive others. Deliver me from evil, from this sickness that dwells in my heart. Lord hear my prayer.

This afternoon I am feeling much better after good chats with wholesome friends, and worship/prayer in my dorm. However, there are hard days ahead.

Since I am writing this somewhat with the intent that other people may relate and feel less alone, I just want to say: You're not alone. Love is real. Hope always for a better tomorrow. 

Introduction

I wanted to start a blog about my life, because I humbly feel I have interesting stories to tell. For the past 5 years, I have suffered from severe depression with suicidal ideation, as well as a few other interesting mental quirks. I enjoy sharing my story with others in the hope that I might be encouraged, but also with the hope that I might encourage others, who live with these feelings in silence, so that they might know they are not alone. I thought about starting a blog series on facebook, but no one really reads facebook notes very often, and I feel like blogs are more classy. I have always enjoyed writing to an audience, because I love to write a story that will raise emotion in people and remind them what it is to be human.

Many of my close friends already know the basic facts of my story. I had a pretty decent childhood up until high school. I've always been made fun of for my nerd-like tendencies, which are now fortunately celebrated at Carolina. However, at the end of my 8th grade year, my two best friends moved away, and for whatever reason, I did not cope with it well. Entering into high school, I made no close friends and people made fun of me a lot. Of course, back then I also made fun of myself, because it was better to be laughed with than laughed at. I earned the nickname "the friendless wonder" and one of the low points in my life was when someone I'd never met called me that in the hallway at school. I daydreamed about killing myself early on in high school, and started writing dark, "emo" things around my Sophomore year. I was insanely lonely and sucked into a dark world where nothing but pain existed. It is impossibly to describe the pain of depression to someone who has not experienced it, but suffice to say it was torturous and enough to make me wish I was dead. Since middle school, I have not gone more than a month without relapsing into a bout of severe depression so painful as to make me fantasize about dying. It has gotten easier to manage in college though, where I have so many wonderful friends who love and accept me. I went to therapy my junior year of high school, which was a joke, and managed to slightly help my OCD tendencies, but not my depression. I started going back to therapy my Spring semester of Freshman year at Carolina through the school, but it was also not super helpful except for the fact it got me in touch with another therapist who I see regularly and like a lot. This summer, I also started taking antidepressants. For a long time, I did not want to take them because I wanted to feel better "on my own", but I finally realized that wasn't working and that I should try something else. Taking medication has been an interesting experience with weird side effects and I am still trying to straighten out the right meds for me, but I can definitely tell where the medication has helped me be able to think a little more rationally when I want to die. Depression for Dummies, which a friend recommended to me, is also an excellent book that has been helpful to me, which I highly recommend. Yesterday and today were good days. Last week was not as good a week. I hope to write about good and bad days in this blog, because both are important.

If you have any questions about my life, or depression and general, you can comment and I'll try to answer the best I can.