Theology Camp--looking back

I was reading an email from Dr. Fred Edie today and had some interesting thoughts. Somehow, like the Israelites in the desert, I always seem to forget the amazing things God has done in my life. Reading that email made all the memories flood back to me of how loved and alive and wonderful I felt being at theology camp. How I could see and feel God everywhere. I was really struck by how Dr. Edie said "In the most important sense who you were then is identical to who you are now. You are created, claimed, beloved in Christ. Remember? Remember who you are?" I read that and was like HOLY CRAP HE'S SO RIGHT! I don't think I've ever thought about life in quite that way before. For the first second after I read that I was like hold on, I am NOT identical to who I was then. I've changed a lot, I was silly then and made huge mistakes and there were so many things I didn't know...oh wait, I guess all of that is still true... and even if drastic changes have taken place in my life, I am still God's. Another thought that struck me was the unimportance of everything else in my life. For a long time, if not most of my life, I have been constantly running from who I was in the past, despising what I've been and also who I am, trying to be perfect while realizing that will never happen. It was such a relief to read that I am IDENTICAL right now to who I was 3 years ago, 5 years ago, or 10 years ago. I am a flawed human being who needs God and who is loved by God. and that's really all that matters.

I've been really struggling the past week trying to figure out who I am. I know that sounds kind of like a silly abstract kind of thing, but it was in a realistic, I don't know who I am kind of way. I was talking to my therapist and she said I seem to know my illness, my depression, better than I know myself. I realized she was absolutely right and it was frightening to think about how little I could remember of who I am outside of my depression. It was an intense struggle to conjure up memories and descriptions of who I am that are untainted by depression. I looked back through photos on facebook and looking at school, summer camp, and I was like oh yea, that's what I'm like, I like singing, horses, people, snuggling, kids, outdoors. However, I still was fighting with myself, and I will continue to do so in the future. But, when I read Dr. Edie's email and felt completely peaceful. Because I realized I am God's. and that's it. period. I was like oh, yea, I do remember, that is who I am. I'm a flawed person who's made many mistakes and will make many more, but God's love for me does not depend on my love for Him. Isn't that great? It was relaxing to take a break from my struggle for perfection, because if I'm identical now to who I've been in the past, it's obvious that trying to be perfect isn't working and never will. and that God loves me anyway.