Update

I haven't blogged in almost one year. I think I'd like to start blogging once a week, but I'm not sure how long that'll last. I'll probably run out of things to say within a month or so, but we'll see.

I'm not sure who reads this or if people get anything out of it, but I like writing, and haven't done much for pleasure this past school year. 

I started taking prozac December of 2011, so I've been on it a little over a year now. It has been pretty amazing. It's part of the reason I haven't blogged much, because I haven't been as depressed as often. I went from being suicidal countless times a year, to between 2-3 times since I've started taking it. I never imagined that would happen. It's difficult to say what exactly the prozac does to keep me from being suicidal, but I'm glad it does. One interesting effect this has had on me is to somewhat devalue therapy for me personally. I certainly gained one or two useful insights over my many years of therapy with several different therapists, but absolutely nothing that was helpful in keeping me from being super depressed and suicidal. The prozac very quickly almost entirely turned that off. Clearly everything is not perfect because I've still been depressed enough to be suicidal a couple times, and depressed to a lesser extent many times. Some ideas I learned from therapy can be useful for my milder depression occasionally. The only bad thing about the prozac is it makes me really tired. Not tired enough to be too debilitating, but tired enough to be annoying. I'm not sure I want to stay on it for long, but I'm also not sure I want to change drugs. I'm sure my thinking will evolve over time in regards to both medication and therapy.

I am not thrilled with where I find myself in life right now. I graduated from a school I love which was a cool accomplishment, but I'll really miss it, and have no job and am living with my parents, which is much more stressful than being at school. Last summer I was fired from a menial job I loved working at, which was terrible for my self-esteem, and then I couldn't find another menial job, which was also bad for me. I want to work because I want to make money and not live with my parents, but I don't want to work because if I can't do a job as simple as the one I was fired from, what can I possibly do well. I do have my favorite job coming up for two and a half weeks this summer at Duke, but that still leaves the rest of the year where I need to do something. 

So overall, there's good and bad things going on, which I guess is just life. Next week I'm going to blog about some of my thoughts on disability services for the physically and mentally handicapped. 

DYA is my favorite

I recently finished working two and a half weeks for the Duke Youth Academy. I'm sure most people got tired of hearing me say DYA is my favorite thing, since I said it every day several times a day. I thought I'd try to explain why it was my favorite in more detail, since several people asked and I wasn't able to give anyone the whole story. I’ve detailed more specifically the things I’ve gotten out of DYA when I was younger in other blog posts, but basically what I got out of attending as a student was that when I was in high school, after 3 years of dealing with crippling major depression, having no friends and being made fun of or ignored by my peers in school and church, for two weeks at DYA I started to feel alive again, and my suicidal thoughts started fading. I met people who liked me and were nice to me and could feel God in my life again. My life was forever changed by the people I met and what I experienced. I made friends I still keep up with today who have helped me in many various circumstances and have generally been a joy to know. Because of DYA I worked at Camp Chestnut Ridge for 2 summers and met many more lovely people who have been wonderful in my life. Going to the DYA reunions I met more DYA-ers from other years who were just as great as the people my year, but were older and had more life experience, which was and is great. Prior to DYA going to Divinity school had never registered as a possibility for my future, but I considered it a strong option after DYA. Various other things in my life came together that finally made me decide to go to Divinity school (details of that are actually in my previous blog post). I'm thinking I'll most likely be a professor rather than a pastor, but we'll see. After this year's DYA my fellow staff members talked to me about taking some time off between college and Divinity school, which I will probably do, though I'm not sure what I'll do in that in between time yet.

I feel so blessed to have been able to work for DYA this year as an RA. When I attended DYA I was sure my RA’s hated me and my roommate because we were always talking past lights out, and we were slow in the morning. We got yelled at a lot. I made it a goal not to yell at the students….which only lasted a few days. I wasn’t yelling from a place of anger, I just preferred yelling to softly saying the same thing at each door. And it seems more effective at hurrying people along to where they need to be. So it’s possible the students thought I didn’t like them, but I really loved all of them, and now I’m sure my RA’s loved me as well. I didn't get to interact with the students as much as I would have liked to, but I got to do the everyday tasks that make it possible for them to experience DYA like I did, which made me so happy. And the times I did get to interact with the kids were great. They were such an awesome group of young people.

My second day of staff training I wrote in my journal "Brian, Kep, Allison and King James are really great. I think we're going to make a great RA Team." And we totally were! I have slight PTSD around church people because of bad experiences with my church growing up, and DYA and Camp Chestnut Ridge are the only places where I can really relax in worship. I still don't feel comfortable praying out loud even at DYA though, which I told my RA group. James asked me if I would like to pray about every other day and I replied "no thank you." At our last RA morning meeting though, I did pray out loud, because of all the love and support the other RA's showed me all throughout the 2 weeks. I loved working with everyone at DYA, and appreciated the times the mentors and other people helped the RA's out. People supporting me the day my parents moved from my beautiful childhood home was a blessing as well. I’m also thankful for James and Paul helping me pack my car after DYA in the ridiculous heat. And Martine and Heidi’s sweet notes in my mailbox. And Martine, Allison, and Ronya-Lee dancing. And everyone who played music and sang and painted. For Russ, Lindsey, Kep, James, and Andrew making me laugh, Hannah’s smile, Laura and I laughing in church. For Peter and Alaina listening to me. And for Kep teaching me to throw a pot, and for Katherine letting us use her wheel. And Matthew and Paul helping me with my continued fear of church. And the people from past years that have helped support me getting on antidepressants and continuing to deal with my mental health problems. And inside jokes: channel 2 on the walkie, “Thank you SO MUCH!” “Thesis #4 YOU ARE A SINNER!” “I fail to knit together how YOUR house burning down is MY problem”.  In the Lord I’ll be ever thankful. The really great thing about DYA for me is that the community doesn't end when we leave one another. If any DYA students are reading this, DYA doesn't have to end. You can always be super crazy like me and go to all the reunions and then work for DYA someday (I highly recommend this).

I laughed so much at DYA, and I love laughing. I got so many hugs at DYA and I love hugs. I learned new things about God, which I love, and met new people who showed me God's love, which I also love. Even if I didn’t mention your name above, every single staff member has a special place in my heart, because you made me feel loved and accepted, and many of the students showed God’s love to me in different ways every day. I learned some new ways to pray, got to do morning prayer in Duke Chapel (which didn't happen when I was a student), got to play card games and show people my pet fish Gill. For me, life doesn't get much better than that.

A little slow on the uptake...

I attended the Duke Youth Academy for Christian formation (DYA) almost 4 years ago, the summer between my Junior and Senior year of high school. It's the best thing I've ever done, but other than that description, I've always had a hard time explaining it to people. It's similar to many church things I've been to over the years with some slightly different activities as well. There was lots of worship, preaching, community service, art, prayer, and listening to the Divinity School Professors. But it far surpassed anything I had done before or anything I've done since, and I couldn't really explain why, other than it's just a really great community and program. Every time I've gone back for reunions, I feel just like I did when I went there, and it's the only place where I feel deeply good, and the place my depression and anxiety least affect me. When I went to the reunion this summer, I think they asked us to reflect on what we liked about DYA, and I wrote that I enjoyed learning about God. I hear a lot about God and go to church often, but I didn't feel like I was learning new things about God like I did/do at DYA. That was the first time I really thought about that. I didn't really think much about it after that. Then I heard Dr. Hauerwas read an excerpt from his memoir, which I deeply related to, immediately bought, and read over the summer. It made me seriously consider being a theologian as a profession. I've never wanted to be a pastor, but being a theologian like Hauerwas seemed pretty great.

So flash forward to yesterday morning, where I was taking an exam in my evolution of vertebrate life class, and one of the questions was something like "People who studied nature as a means of learning about God were called ________" the answer is "naturalists", but in my head I thought "that's me". I've always loved science and never found it to be conflicting with my faith, but rather enhancing my awe of who God was and his beautiful, incredible creation.

So later that night, I was reading a book called The Passionate Intellect, which I hadn't gotten far into, but was enjoying. It reminded me of DYA for some reason. Of course, it is a religious book about theology, so it makes sense that that would remind me of theology camp. I got through a paragraph of the book which was describing what theology is and just stopped reading as a series of realizations hit me, all of which were wonderful and I would like to now share. I think the quote in the book that stopped me was "By refreshing our vision of God, theology ensures that we constantly present faith as a dynamic, transformative reality to our culture. We speak of God, not in terms of wooden repetition of the past, but with the excitement and passion of discovery and commitment."

So now comes the shocking revelation I had, which is really quite simple and I was very surprised it took me almost 4 years to realize. It made me feel like a bit of a failure at learning what DYA was teaching, but all the Professors were really smart, so maybe they just didn't go over the basics. Or maybe they did and I wasn't paying attention. Before last night I would have told you I liked learning about theology and the DYA taught me a lot about theology, and it certainly did. But what I suddenly came to realize was that DYA didn't just teach me about theology, it WAS theology, in action. We were living and doing theology all the time. And I can finally say that is WHY it's the best thing I've ever done. I loved living theology "with the excitement and passion of discovery" as the book I was reading last night said. That was the thing about DYA that made it the best thing I've ever done. I loved learning about church traditions and different beliefs and styles and doing theology myself instead of someone doing it for me and telling me what it meant and what it looked like. I was free to draw, dance, pray, sing, learn, and accept the theology I wanted to, and was constantly getting new suggestions and encouragement on how I could go about that. So yea, someone may have said that was what DYA was about at some point, but I definitely missed that. I thought it was about making people go into ministry or something. And it's probably about that too, but for me, what made it the best thing ever was that it was theology. and I just realized that last night.

Also, last night I realized why I loved Hauerwas' memoir so much. I had explained that book to people much in the same way I explained DYA. I loved the book, but couldn't really put my finger on why I loved it. I felt like I was just like Hauerwas. Except that I'm not an 80 year old man who likes cursing and is super smart. We don't really have the same life experiences or the same personality, but like I told a couple people, it's like we both think in the same way, go through the same sort of processing of things that happen in our life. It wasn't quite that either though. So last night I of course realized that the reason I loved the book is that Hauerwas is a theologian. And so am I. Not professionally of course, but it's what I've always loved. Hauerwas and I, like many others, love learning new things about a God who is alive and not static. About church traditions that have been forgotten, or marginalized, but are so important.

So now I'm pretty sure I have to go to Divinity school and be a theologian. Last night I suddenly felt like my whole life made sense. This morning I realized there were still lots of things about my life that were confusing and sucked, but I still understand so much more about myself than I did yesterday morning. I have always been frustrated with school because I like so many subjects and didn't want to chose one to major in. I finally settled on Biology with a minor in American Indian studies, and last night I also realized that the reason I love those things is rooted in my love of theology. I love learning about those things because in learning about them, I learn new things about God, and new ways to understand Him. It's also why I love writing poetry, singing, playing guitar, and astronomy. But I didn't love any of those things enough that I felt like I wanted to do them for the rest of my life. I think I could enjoy doing theology for the rest of my life though. Because at the root of all the subjects I enjoy is the fact that I think differently and interact differently with God because of them. But I might love Biology enough to do something with that for the rest of my life too. We'll just have to wait and see.

What would I give up?

Lately I've been thinking about what I would or wouldn't give to be rid of my depression.

I was thinking about all the things I've already given. Almost all my savings from high school and almost all my money earned over the summer in college. I give away my pride and dignity every time I go to a counselors office, psychiatrists office, or counseling and wellness at my school. I've given lots of time and tears and effort to therapy, purchased and read several books my therapists recommended. I've spent hours online trying to look into the best ways of helping myself, either personally, or by looking for the right people to help. I feel like I spend the majority of my time thinking about my depression, how I could get rid of it, what I could do to make it better, what I should avoid to make it worse.

I started a new medication about a month ago, in addition to the medication I was already taking. While the first medication I was on, helped in the fact that it allowed me to (most of the time) at least remember having been happy before while I was having a suicidal episode, where I couldn't do that before no matter what notes I wrote myself or had friends tell me. However, the level of pain I experience from my depression was so unbearable as to reach being suicidal often, so my psychiatrist and I decided to try a new medication in addition to the one I was already taking. Any time I change my medication, it makes me very physically sick. It hurts my head and stomach and makes me dizzy and nauseated, and sometimes has other effects. Those things are nothing to the pain my depression brings me. However, this new medication, like other SSRI's I've tried, makes me extremely tired. This isn't much of a problem now since I'm on winter break, but it will be if I go back to school. Last time I was on SSRI's I was sleeping 10 hours a night and taking multiple hour naps during the day. It's difficult to get much schoolwork done that way.

However, since being on my new antidepressant, I haven't been suicidal once, which is much better than the few times a week that I was before I got on it. I still don't feel super, but that is a nice improvement. But is it worth it if I can't get schoolwork done? Is it worth it to want to live, but be to tired to do anything? What can I feasibly give up in order to be well again? I'm not sure. I've been thinking about it all break. My stomach hasn't worked properly in a year because of my first antidepressant. I decided it was worth it though, to be able to hold onto a sliver of reality when I'm trapped by irrationality and pain. I don't know if not sleeping is worth not being suicidal though. Because being sleepy and being depressed are sometimes similar feelings. Before trying this new medication, I was actually slightly considering the possibility of trying electroshock therapy, or some sort of brain surgery, because I've read about those things helping persistent cases of depression. Those things can have unwanted side effects like losing your memory though, so I'm probably not going to go there any time soon. But it's still something I think about. Because I've suffered so much pain these past 7 years and I've long ago forgotten what being healthy was like. I feel like I would do anything to get rid of my depression, but if I get rid of feeling awake, or my memories, will life be worth living then? I don't know.

Just things I've been thinking about. As always, feel free to comment. Hope everyone is having a nice holiday break, I know I am.

Homosexuality, Depression, and Christianity

I've wanted to write my thoughts about homosexuality, depression and Christianity for some time. I was trying to think the other day where my belief that homosexuality isn't wrong came from. I wasn't raised to believe that, and I haven't had any sudden revelation about it. I haven't found sufficient evidence for me to discount my belief that there isn't anything wrong with a loving homosexual relationship. I read two open letters, one a while ago and one recently, and I agree with most of the points they're making, and I suppose these things may have influenced my beliefs. I have links to them if you're interested in reading them.

http://www.soulforce.org/article/453
http://www.mlp.org/fmd/files/DesmondTutuLetter.pdf

The most common argument I hear against homosexuality is that the Bible forbids it. It is true that there are Bible verses forbidding homosexual acts. However, having read almost the entire Bible, I still don't feel like homosexuality is wrong. I believe that the Bible is the word of God, and I try to live my life by the principles I find in it, the most important one being to love God and other people. The old testament forbids many things that Christians today do not follow, so the old law most Christians don't enforce anyway. There is a new testament verse or two condemning homosexual acts, but the new testament also says women should say silent in church; however, I know most Christians also support women pastors, although there is still debate going on about that. The new and old testament were also used to support slavery, which was clearly wrong, and no one would say that slavery is a good thing today. I don't think the Bible was written so we could use it to condemn groups of people. I feel that the issue with homosexuality is very similar to these issues. It doesn't mean we should ignore the Bible or that what it says doesn't matter, I just think it's important to read it with love and justice in mind.

The Bible was also and still is used to condemn scientific principles that are discovered about our world and universe that we live in. As someone who loves both theology and science, I don't think that has to be the case at all. The Bible is not a science textbook. People used to think it was heresy to say the earth revolved around the sun, because there are Bible verses saying the earth doesn't move. However, I think most people now accept that the earth moves around the sun and believe in God without experiencing conflicting feelings.

I do know many Christians who say they love homosexual people they just disagree with the choices they're making. I also hear people say homosexuality isn't natural. There are increasing amounts of scientific evidence that being homosexual or bisexual isn't a choice. That makes sense to me, because I don't recall ever making a choice to be attracted to men. I just am naturally attracted to them. I have talked to homosexual Christians who have struggled so much with trying to not be attracted to the "wrong" sex, but they eventually come to the realization that the gender they are attracted to isn't a choice. So I have a hard time believing that something that isn't a choice would be a sin.

This leads me into just a short tie in with depression. I feel empathy for homosexual Christians, because I feel like as a Christian with a mental illness I have been wrongfully condemned for my "sin" and bad choices I make to be depressed or anxious. There are also Bible verses used against my illness where people say the Bible says to not be depressed or anxious, and tell me my feelings are sinful and my fault. I grew up thinking that, and it's been very difficult for me to pull away from that belief, as people still tell me things like this frequently. After having depression and anxiety for 7 years though, meeting many other people with depression, and seeing scientific research that has been done, I've concluded that me and many others have a disease which was not our fault or choice and therefore isn't a sin. I'm not at all trying to say homosexuality is like an illness, just that I feel sad for those who are told being homosexual, or having depression is sinful, because I feel like the Bible and Christianity are being used to hurt rather than help people.

One last thing I was going to say was just to request that if you disagree with anything I've said, that you would discuss it in a calm manner.

Peace.

New Post

I haven't posted here in a while. I don't even know whether people actually read this or get anything out of it, but I thought I'd post again, because I enjoy it. I went a while without posting on here because I made some new friends that I wanted to tell that I had depression before they read about it in my blog. It was hard to do. I have a hard time telling people I have depression. Once they know, and I know they're cool about it, I don't have a problem talking about it, but telling them the first time is difficult.

When I came back to school this year, I felt like I was starting over. I ended a  friendship with one of my friends that was having a tremendous negative affect on me. He was just not good for me, and it was really hard to let go, because he was good to me, but I just had to do what was best for my health. Then I made several new friends, and I love meeting new people. So school started out pretty well.

It actually became bad because of my therapist. I saw her briefly at the end of my freshman year, all during my sophomore year, and I saw her once this year, for the last time. I really liked her. However, I had just a few issues with how therapy was going. I didn't want to spend so much time talking about my week and wanted more input from her because I felt like me talking the whole time wasn't getting me anywhere, and I didn't like when I was forced to talk about my dog dying, which I acknowledged was mostly my parents fault for calling her without my permission to tell her my dog had died. I was really scared to tell her though, because I don't like controversy and when people are doing something I don't like, I just usually try to ignore it. When I saw her the first time this year, I politely told her about my new friends and how school was going. Then I said I had a few issues, and told her the issues I just mentioned, and she freaked out. She got really mad at me, though she said she was just "really frustrated" with me for coming in to see her "with guns blazing". I was very upset, because I had done no such thing and I did not mean to upset her. She isn't my friend, which she's said herself many times, she's supposed to be my doctor. Then she went on to say that my concerns weren't related to her but were my fault because I only saw her twice a week, and I wasn't making any effort to help myself. I was utterly floored by these accusations and had nothing to say to them, and then our appointment time was over, and I walked out stuttering and crying. She knows I can't afford to go to therapy every week because I have to pay for seeing her myself and there's only so much I can work while also doing school and having to pay for my psychiatrist visits and medication. And I have done just about every single thing she asked or even suggested in a prompt manner and then discussed it with her. For her to say that I wasn't making any effort, just ripped me apart. I was so scared to talk to her about my issues with her, and then she reacted worse than I could have possibly ever imagined. I certainly won't be seeing her again, because she lost all my trust and respect for her. I don't really know that I want to see anyone else, because how can I trust anyone again? And what if she's right? What if everything is my fault because I wasn't trying enough? My therapist in high school said I didn't try very much, and I actually wasn't doing much then, because I was so catatonic I didn't really do much of anything. Also she wasn't a great therapist. But I didn't for one second think I wasn't trying enough or doing enough with my most recent therapist. I thought I was doing the absolute best I could. But if my best looks like nothing to her, maybe it is nothing. Even now, weeks later, this still brings tears to my eyes. It may not seem like that big a deal, because most of my friends haven't acted like it's a big deal, but I've only ever felt more betrayed once in my life, and that was a really bad situation, which my close friends may or may not know what I'm referencing to. I was doing pretty well before I saw my therapist this year, but I've been a wreck since then. I can't hold myself together. I keep losing it and falling apart. My depression is tormenting me. And all the friends I usually talk to about my depression are either too depressed themselves to talk to me, or just too busy for me. So suffice it to say, I'm not doing great right now. That's about all I have to say. I usually try to end things on a hopeful note, but it's just not there for me right now.

Something not depressing

I'm not sure I've written about anything other than things relating to depression in this blog. Depression is a big part of my life and I have a lot to say about it, but I just wanted to write a short post about other things on my week off of work.

I heard Dr. Hauerwas speak a few weeks ago, and hearing from the countries' best theologian was one of the many awesome things I did that weekend. He read some from his autobiography Hannah's Child, which I have just ordered on amazon and can't wait to get. I also was just reading things about him online and came across this article http://www.huffingtonpost.com/stanley-hauerwas/people-are-surprised-that_b_599230.html entitled The Surprise of Being a Christian. The following is a quote from that article.

"I still find it surprising that I am a Christian. God is just not there for me the way God is there for some people. I am not complaining. I assume that that is the way God works to make some of us have to think hard about what it means to worship God. I use the language of worship rather than belief because I am never sure if I believe in God. I do not trust myself enough to take what I believe seriously. But I do worship God, and I do so with joy."

I don't know what he means about God not being there for him the way he is for some people, but I'm really interested to find out when I read his book. But I empathize with that feeling. I've also read about how Mother Theresa went most of her life without feeling like God was there. I certainly go long periods of time without feeling God at all. I also think hard about what it means to believe in God. And lately I've been unsure that I believe in God. But I do also worship God, and do it with joy and love. I think I might want to go to divinity school. But not to be a pastor. I think I might want to be a theologian like Hauerwas. Or a college professor for either Psychology or Biology. Or possibly a genetic counselor. Or a stay at home mom. Or something else. But I enjoyed hearing from Hauerwas because I feel like he's really honest, because he swears when he's talking about theology and laughs at religious people. Not in a mean way, just in a not letting anyone take themselves too seriously sort of way. I liked that he said that it was great to be interested in theology but not want to be a pastor. He also said theology was just working with words and lots of reading. I love reading. and writing. and words.

So yea, that's about all I had to say about that. Just thought I'd share what was on my mind.