I attended the Duke Youth Academy for Christian formation (DYA) almost 4 years ago, the summer between my Junior and Senior year of high school. It's the best thing I've ever done, but other than that description, I've always had a hard time explaining it to people. It's similar to many church things I've been to over the years with some slightly different activities as well. There was lots of worship, preaching, community service, art, prayer, and listening to the Divinity School Professors. But it far surpassed anything I had done before or anything I've done since, and I couldn't really explain why, other than it's just a really great community and program. Every time I've gone back for reunions, I feel just like I did when I went there, and it's the only place where I feel deeply good, and the place my depression and anxiety least affect me. When I went to the reunion this summer, I think they asked us to reflect on what we liked about DYA, and I wrote that I enjoyed learning about God. I hear a lot about God and go to church often, but I didn't feel like I was learning new things about God like I did/do at DYA. That was the first time I really thought about that. I didn't really think much about it after that. Then I heard Dr. Hauerwas read an excerpt from his memoir, which I deeply related to, immediately bought, and read over the summer. It made me seriously consider being a theologian as a profession. I've never wanted to be a pastor, but being a theologian like Hauerwas seemed pretty great.
So flash forward to yesterday morning, where I was taking an exam in my evolution of vertebrate life class, and one of the questions was something like "People who studied nature as a means of learning about God were called ________" the answer is "naturalists", but in my head I thought "that's me". I've always loved science and never found it to be conflicting with my faith, but rather enhancing my awe of who God was and his beautiful, incredible creation.
So later that night, I was reading a book called The Passionate Intellect, which I hadn't gotten far into, but was enjoying. It reminded me of DYA for some reason. Of course, it is a religious book about theology, so it makes sense that that would remind me of theology camp. I got through a paragraph of the book which was describing what theology is and just stopped reading as a series of realizations hit me, all of which were wonderful and I would like to now share. I think the quote in the book that stopped me was "By refreshing our vision of God, theology ensures that we constantly present faith as a dynamic, transformative reality to our culture. We speak of God, not in terms of wooden repetition of the past, but with the excitement and passion of discovery and commitment."
So now comes the shocking revelation I had, which is really quite simple and I was very surprised it took me almost 4 years to realize. It made me feel like a bit of a failure at learning what DYA was teaching, but all the Professors were really smart, so maybe they just didn't go over the basics. Or maybe they did and I wasn't paying attention. Before last night I would have told you I liked learning about theology and the DYA taught me a lot about theology, and it certainly did. But what I suddenly came to realize was that DYA didn't just teach me about theology, it WAS theology, in action. We were living and doing theology all the time. And I can finally say that is WHY it's the best thing I've ever done. I loved living theology "with the excitement and passion of discovery" as the book I was reading last night said. That was the thing about DYA that made it the best thing I've ever done. I loved learning about church traditions and different beliefs and styles and doing theology myself instead of someone doing it for me and telling me what it meant and what it looked like. I was free to draw, dance, pray, sing, learn, and accept the theology I wanted to, and was constantly getting new suggestions and encouragement on how I could go about that. So yea, someone may have said that was what DYA was about at some point, but I definitely missed that. I thought it was about making people go into ministry or something. And it's probably about that too, but for me, what made it the best thing ever was that it was theology. and I just realized that last night.
Also, last night I realized why I loved Hauerwas' memoir so much. I had explained that book to people much in the same way I explained DYA. I loved the book, but couldn't really put my finger on why I loved it. I felt like I was just like Hauerwas. Except that I'm not an 80 year old man who likes cursing and is super smart. We don't really have the same life experiences or the same personality, but like I told a couple people, it's like we both think in the same way, go through the same sort of processing of things that happen in our life. It wasn't quite that either though. So last night I of course realized that the reason I loved the book is that Hauerwas is a theologian. And so am I. Not professionally of course, but it's what I've always loved. Hauerwas and I, like many others, love learning new things about a God who is alive and not static. About church traditions that have been forgotten, or marginalized, but are so important.
So now I'm pretty sure I have to go to Divinity school and be a theologian. Last night I suddenly felt like my whole life made sense. This morning I realized there were still lots of things about my life that were confusing and sucked, but I still understand so much more about myself than I did yesterday morning. I have always been frustrated with school because I like so many subjects and didn't want to chose one to major in. I finally settled on Biology with a minor in American Indian studies, and last night I also realized that the reason I love those things is rooted in my love of theology. I love learning about those things because in learning about them, I learn new things about God, and new ways to understand Him. It's also why I love writing poetry, singing, playing guitar, and astronomy. But I didn't love any of those things enough that I felt like I wanted to do them for the rest of my life. I think I could enjoy doing theology for the rest of my life though. Because at the root of all the subjects I enjoy is the fact that I think differently and interact differently with God because of them. But I might love Biology enough to do something with that for the rest of my life too. We'll just have to wait and see.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Friday, December 30, 2011
What would I give up?
Lately I've been thinking about what I would or wouldn't give to be rid of my depression.
I was thinking about all the things I've already given. Almost all my savings from high school and almost all my money earned over the summer in college. I give away my pride and dignity every time I go to a counselors office, psychiatrists office, or counseling and wellness at my school. I've given lots of time and tears and effort to therapy, purchased and read several books my therapists recommended. I've spent hours online trying to look into the best ways of helping myself, either personally, or by looking for the right people to help. I feel like I spend the majority of my time thinking about my depression, how I could get rid of it, what I could do to make it better, what I should avoid to make it worse.
I started a new medication about a month ago, in addition to the medication I was already taking. While the first medication I was on, helped in the fact that it allowed me to (most of the time) at least remember having been happy before while I was having a suicidal episode, where I couldn't do that before no matter what notes I wrote myself or had friends tell me. However, the level of pain I experience from my depression was so unbearable as to reach being suicidal often, so my psychiatrist and I decided to try a new medication in addition to the one I was already taking. Any time I change my medication, it makes me very physically sick. It hurts my head and stomach and makes me dizzy and nauseated, and sometimes has other effects. Those things are nothing to the pain my depression brings me. However, this new medication, like other SSRI's I've tried, makes me extremely tired. This isn't much of a problem now since I'm on winter break, but it will be if I go back to school. Last time I was on SSRI's I was sleeping 10 hours a night and taking multiple hour naps during the day. It's difficult to get much schoolwork done that way.
However, since being on my new antidepressant, I haven't been suicidal once, which is much better than the few times a week that I was before I got on it. I still don't feel super, but that is a nice improvement. But is it worth it if I can't get schoolwork done? Is it worth it to want to live, but be to tired to do anything? What can I feasibly give up in order to be well again? I'm not sure. I've been thinking about it all break. My stomach hasn't worked properly in a year because of my first antidepressant. I decided it was worth it though, to be able to hold onto a sliver of reality when I'm trapped by irrationality and pain. I don't know if not sleeping is worth not being suicidal though. Because being sleepy and being depressed are sometimes similar feelings. Before trying this new medication, I was actually slightly considering the possibility of trying electroshock therapy, or some sort of brain surgery, because I've read about those things helping persistent cases of depression. Those things can have unwanted side effects like losing your memory though, so I'm probably not going to go there any time soon. But it's still something I think about. Because I've suffered so much pain these past 7 years and I've long ago forgotten what being healthy was like. I feel like I would do anything to get rid of my depression, but if I get rid of feeling awake, or my memories, will life be worth living then? I don't know.
Just things I've been thinking about. As always, feel free to comment. Hope everyone is having a nice holiday break, I know I am.
I was thinking about all the things I've already given. Almost all my savings from high school and almost all my money earned over the summer in college. I give away my pride and dignity every time I go to a counselors office, psychiatrists office, or counseling and wellness at my school. I've given lots of time and tears and effort to therapy, purchased and read several books my therapists recommended. I've spent hours online trying to look into the best ways of helping myself, either personally, or by looking for the right people to help. I feel like I spend the majority of my time thinking about my depression, how I could get rid of it, what I could do to make it better, what I should avoid to make it worse.
I started a new medication about a month ago, in addition to the medication I was already taking. While the first medication I was on, helped in the fact that it allowed me to (most of the time) at least remember having been happy before while I was having a suicidal episode, where I couldn't do that before no matter what notes I wrote myself or had friends tell me. However, the level of pain I experience from my depression was so unbearable as to reach being suicidal often, so my psychiatrist and I decided to try a new medication in addition to the one I was already taking. Any time I change my medication, it makes me very physically sick. It hurts my head and stomach and makes me dizzy and nauseated, and sometimes has other effects. Those things are nothing to the pain my depression brings me. However, this new medication, like other SSRI's I've tried, makes me extremely tired. This isn't much of a problem now since I'm on winter break, but it will be if I go back to school. Last time I was on SSRI's I was sleeping 10 hours a night and taking multiple hour naps during the day. It's difficult to get much schoolwork done that way.
However, since being on my new antidepressant, I haven't been suicidal once, which is much better than the few times a week that I was before I got on it. I still don't feel super, but that is a nice improvement. But is it worth it if I can't get schoolwork done? Is it worth it to want to live, but be to tired to do anything? What can I feasibly give up in order to be well again? I'm not sure. I've been thinking about it all break. My stomach hasn't worked properly in a year because of my first antidepressant. I decided it was worth it though, to be able to hold onto a sliver of reality when I'm trapped by irrationality and pain. I don't know if not sleeping is worth not being suicidal though. Because being sleepy and being depressed are sometimes similar feelings. Before trying this new medication, I was actually slightly considering the possibility of trying electroshock therapy, or some sort of brain surgery, because I've read about those things helping persistent cases of depression. Those things can have unwanted side effects like losing your memory though, so I'm probably not going to go there any time soon. But it's still something I think about. Because I've suffered so much pain these past 7 years and I've long ago forgotten what being healthy was like. I feel like I would do anything to get rid of my depression, but if I get rid of feeling awake, or my memories, will life be worth living then? I don't know.
Just things I've been thinking about. As always, feel free to comment. Hope everyone is having a nice holiday break, I know I am.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Homosexuality, Depression, and Christianity
http://www.soulforce.org/article/453
http://www.mlp.org/fmd/files/DesmondTutuLetter.pdf
The most common argument I hear against homosexuality is that the Bible forbids it. It is true that there are Bible verses forbidding homosexual acts. However, having read almost the entire Bible, I still don't feel like homosexuality is wrong. I believe that the Bible is the word of God, and I try to live my life by the principles I find in it, the most important one being to love God and other people. The old testament forbids many things that Christians today do not follow, so the old law most Christians don't enforce anyway. There is a new testament verse or two condemning homosexual acts, but the new testament also says women should say silent in church; however, I know most Christians also support women pastors, although there is still debate going on about that. The new and old testament were also used to support slavery, which was clearly wrong, and no one would say that slavery is a good thing today. I don't think the Bible was written so we could use it to condemn groups of people. I feel that the issue with homosexuality is very similar to these issues. It doesn't mean we should ignore the Bible or that what it says doesn't matter, I just think it's important to read it with love and justice in mind.
The Bible was also and still is used to condemn scientific principles that are discovered about our world and universe that we live in. As someone who loves both theology and science, I don't think that has to be the case at all. The Bible is not a science textbook. People used to think it was heresy to say the earth revolved around the sun, because there are Bible verses saying the earth doesn't move. However, I think most people now accept that the earth moves around the sun and believe in God without experiencing conflicting feelings.
I do know many Christians who say they love homosexual people they just disagree with the choices they're making. I also hear people say homosexuality isn't natural. There are increasing amounts of scientific evidence that being homosexual or bisexual isn't a choice. That makes sense to me, because I don't recall ever making a choice to be attracted to men. I just am naturally attracted to them. I have talked to homosexual Christians who have struggled so much with trying to not be attracted to the "wrong" sex, but they eventually come to the realization that the gender they are attracted to isn't a choice. So I have a hard time believing that something that isn't a choice would be a sin.
This leads me into just a short tie in with depression. I feel empathy for homosexual Christians, because I feel like as a Christian with a mental illness I have been wrongfully condemned for my "sin" and bad choices I make to be depressed or anxious. There are also Bible verses used against my illness where people say the Bible says to not be depressed or anxious, and tell me my feelings are sinful and my fault. I grew up thinking that, and it's been very difficult for me to pull away from that belief, as people still tell me things like this frequently. After having depression and anxiety for 7 years though, meeting many other people with depression, and seeing scientific research that has been done, I've concluded that me and many others have a disease which was not our fault or choice and therefore isn't a sin. I'm not at all trying to say homosexuality is like an illness, just that I feel sad for those who are told being homosexual, or having depression is sinful, because I feel like the Bible and Christianity are being used to hurt rather than help people.
One last thing I was going to say was just to request that if you disagree with anything I've said, that you would discuss it in a calm manner.
Peace.
Friday, November 4, 2011
New Post
I haven't posted here in a while. I don't even know whether people actually read this or get anything out of it, but I thought I'd post again, because I enjoy it. I went a while without posting on here because I made some new friends that I wanted to tell that I had depression before they read about it in my blog. It was hard to do. I have a hard time telling people I have depression. Once they know, and I know they're cool about it, I don't have a problem talking about it, but telling them the first time is difficult.
When I came back to school this year, I felt like I was starting over. I ended a friendship with one of my friends that was having a tremendous negative affect on me. He was just not good for me, and it was really hard to let go, because he was good to me, but I just had to do what was best for my health. Then I made several new friends, and I love meeting new people. So school started out pretty well.
It actually became bad because of my therapist. I saw her briefly at the end of my freshman year, all during my sophomore year, and I saw her once this year, for the last time. I really liked her. However, I had just a few issues with how therapy was going. I didn't want to spend so much time talking about my week and wanted more input from her because I felt like me talking the whole time wasn't getting me anywhere, and I didn't like when I was forced to talk about my dog dying, which I acknowledged was mostly my parents fault for calling her without my permission to tell her my dog had died. I was really scared to tell her though, because I don't like controversy and when people are doing something I don't like, I just usually try to ignore it. When I saw her the first time this year, I politely told her about my new friends and how school was going. Then I said I had a few issues, and told her the issues I just mentioned, and she freaked out. She got really mad at me, though she said she was just "really frustrated" with me for coming in to see her "with guns blazing". I was very upset, because I had done no such thing and I did not mean to upset her. She isn't my friend, which she's said herself many times, she's supposed to be my doctor. Then she went on to say that my concerns weren't related to her but were my fault because I only saw her twice a week, and I wasn't making any effort to help myself. I was utterly floored by these accusations and had nothing to say to them, and then our appointment time was over, and I walked out stuttering and crying. She knows I can't afford to go to therapy every week because I have to pay for seeing her myself and there's only so much I can work while also doing school and having to pay for my psychiatrist visits and medication. And I have done just about every single thing she asked or even suggested in a prompt manner and then discussed it with her. For her to say that I wasn't making any effort, just ripped me apart. I was so scared to talk to her about my issues with her, and then she reacted worse than I could have possibly ever imagined. I certainly won't be seeing her again, because she lost all my trust and respect for her. I don't really know that I want to see anyone else, because how can I trust anyone again? And what if she's right? What if everything is my fault because I wasn't trying enough? My therapist in high school said I didn't try very much, and I actually wasn't doing much then, because I was so catatonic I didn't really do much of anything. Also she wasn't a great therapist. But I didn't for one second think I wasn't trying enough or doing enough with my most recent therapist. I thought I was doing the absolute best I could. But if my best looks like nothing to her, maybe it is nothing. Even now, weeks later, this still brings tears to my eyes. It may not seem like that big a deal, because most of my friends haven't acted like it's a big deal, but I've only ever felt more betrayed once in my life, and that was a really bad situation, which my close friends may or may not know what I'm referencing to. I was doing pretty well before I saw my therapist this year, but I've been a wreck since then. I can't hold myself together. I keep losing it and falling apart. My depression is tormenting me. And all the friends I usually talk to about my depression are either too depressed themselves to talk to me, or just too busy for me. So suffice it to say, I'm not doing great right now. That's about all I have to say. I usually try to end things on a hopeful note, but it's just not there for me right now.
When I came back to school this year, I felt like I was starting over. I ended a friendship with one of my friends that was having a tremendous negative affect on me. He was just not good for me, and it was really hard to let go, because he was good to me, but I just had to do what was best for my health. Then I made several new friends, and I love meeting new people. So school started out pretty well.
It actually became bad because of my therapist. I saw her briefly at the end of my freshman year, all during my sophomore year, and I saw her once this year, for the last time. I really liked her. However, I had just a few issues with how therapy was going. I didn't want to spend so much time talking about my week and wanted more input from her because I felt like me talking the whole time wasn't getting me anywhere, and I didn't like when I was forced to talk about my dog dying, which I acknowledged was mostly my parents fault for calling her without my permission to tell her my dog had died. I was really scared to tell her though, because I don't like controversy and when people are doing something I don't like, I just usually try to ignore it. When I saw her the first time this year, I politely told her about my new friends and how school was going. Then I said I had a few issues, and told her the issues I just mentioned, and she freaked out. She got really mad at me, though she said she was just "really frustrated" with me for coming in to see her "with guns blazing". I was very upset, because I had done no such thing and I did not mean to upset her. She isn't my friend, which she's said herself many times, she's supposed to be my doctor. Then she went on to say that my concerns weren't related to her but were my fault because I only saw her twice a week, and I wasn't making any effort to help myself. I was utterly floored by these accusations and had nothing to say to them, and then our appointment time was over, and I walked out stuttering and crying. She knows I can't afford to go to therapy every week because I have to pay for seeing her myself and there's only so much I can work while also doing school and having to pay for my psychiatrist visits and medication. And I have done just about every single thing she asked or even suggested in a prompt manner and then discussed it with her. For her to say that I wasn't making any effort, just ripped me apart. I was so scared to talk to her about my issues with her, and then she reacted worse than I could have possibly ever imagined. I certainly won't be seeing her again, because she lost all my trust and respect for her. I don't really know that I want to see anyone else, because how can I trust anyone again? And what if she's right? What if everything is my fault because I wasn't trying enough? My therapist in high school said I didn't try very much, and I actually wasn't doing much then, because I was so catatonic I didn't really do much of anything. Also she wasn't a great therapist. But I didn't for one second think I wasn't trying enough or doing enough with my most recent therapist. I thought I was doing the absolute best I could. But if my best looks like nothing to her, maybe it is nothing. Even now, weeks later, this still brings tears to my eyes. It may not seem like that big a deal, because most of my friends haven't acted like it's a big deal, but I've only ever felt more betrayed once in my life, and that was a really bad situation, which my close friends may or may not know what I'm referencing to. I was doing pretty well before I saw my therapist this year, but I've been a wreck since then. I can't hold myself together. I keep losing it and falling apart. My depression is tormenting me. And all the friends I usually talk to about my depression are either too depressed themselves to talk to me, or just too busy for me. So suffice it to say, I'm not doing great right now. That's about all I have to say. I usually try to end things on a hopeful note, but it's just not there for me right now.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Something not depressing
I'm not sure I've written about anything other than things relating to depression in this blog. Depression is a big part of my life and I have a lot to say about it, but I just wanted to write a short post about other things on my week off of work.
I heard Dr. Hauerwas speak a few weeks ago, and hearing from the countries' best theologian was one of the many awesome things I did that weekend. He read some from his autobiography Hannah's Child, which I have just ordered on amazon and can't wait to get. I also was just reading things about him online and came across this article http://www.huffingtonpost.com/stanley-hauerwas/people-are-surprised-that_b_599230.html entitled The Surprise of Being a Christian. The following is a quote from that article.
"I still find it surprising that I am a Christian. God is just not there for me the way God is there for some people. I am not complaining. I assume that that is the way God works to make some of us have to think hard about what it means to worship God. I use the language of worship rather than belief because I am never sure if I believe in God. I do not trust myself enough to take what I believe seriously. But I do worship God, and I do so with joy."
I don't know what he means about God not being there for him the way he is for some people, but I'm really interested to find out when I read his book. But I empathize with that feeling. I've also read about how Mother Theresa went most of her life without feeling like God was there. I certainly go long periods of time without feeling God at all. I also think hard about what it means to believe in God. And lately I've been unsure that I believe in God. But I do also worship God, and do it with joy and love. I think I might want to go to divinity school. But not to be a pastor. I think I might want to be a theologian like Hauerwas. Or a college professor for either Psychology or Biology. Or possibly a genetic counselor. Or a stay at home mom. Or something else. But I enjoyed hearing from Hauerwas because I feel like he's really honest, because he swears when he's talking about theology and laughs at religious people. Not in a mean way, just in a not letting anyone take themselves too seriously sort of way. I liked that he said that it was great to be interested in theology but not want to be a pastor. He also said theology was just working with words and lots of reading. I love reading. and writing. and words.
So yea, that's about all I had to say about that. Just thought I'd share what was on my mind.
I heard Dr. Hauerwas speak a few weeks ago, and hearing from the countries' best theologian was one of the many awesome things I did that weekend. He read some from his autobiography Hannah's Child, which I have just ordered on amazon and can't wait to get. I also was just reading things about him online and came across this article http://www.huffingtonpost.com/stanley-hauerwas/people-are-surprised-that_b_599230.html entitled The Surprise of Being a Christian. The following is a quote from that article.
"I still find it surprising that I am a Christian. God is just not there for me the way God is there for some people. I am not complaining. I assume that that is the way God works to make some of us have to think hard about what it means to worship God. I use the language of worship rather than belief because I am never sure if I believe in God. I do not trust myself enough to take what I believe seriously. But I do worship God, and I do so with joy."
I don't know what he means about God not being there for him the way he is for some people, but I'm really interested to find out when I read his book. But I empathize with that feeling. I've also read about how Mother Theresa went most of her life without feeling like God was there. I certainly go long periods of time without feeling God at all. I also think hard about what it means to believe in God. And lately I've been unsure that I believe in God. But I do also worship God, and do it with joy and love. I think I might want to go to divinity school. But not to be a pastor. I think I might want to be a theologian like Hauerwas. Or a college professor for either Psychology or Biology. Or possibly a genetic counselor. Or a stay at home mom. Or something else. But I enjoyed hearing from Hauerwas because I feel like he's really honest, because he swears when he's talking about theology and laughs at religious people. Not in a mean way, just in a not letting anyone take themselves too seriously sort of way. I liked that he said that it was great to be interested in theology but not want to be a pastor. He also said theology was just working with words and lots of reading. I love reading. and writing. and words.
So yea, that's about all I had to say about that. Just thought I'd share what was on my mind.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Questions and Accomplishments
Now that I got out my angry-ness in my last post, I thought I'd write a more reflective post.
Today I was thinking back through last year, and wondering what I'd accomplished. Do you always feel like you have to accomplish something? I always feel like I need to be accomplishing something at all times. It's really hard for me to relax. Maybe that's just me though. I was frustrated though, to feel like I hadn't accomplished much over the past school year. I made it through, and that's really the most I can say about that. I'm currently on a medication that I'll stay on for the summer. It helps more than any other medication and has the least side effects, but even though I really want it to work out, I feel certain there are more medication changes in my future, because I'm still not really where I'd like to be. I'm not looking forward to that, but I'll deal with when I get there.
Lately it's been difficult for me to think about the future, because I look in my future and see my Depression following me for the rest of my life. I used to dream about a day when I would be completely healed from it, but I don't think that's ever going to happen. I am almost certain this disease will continue to hurt me for the rest of my life. The only way I can really handle that thought is to acknowledge that at least my symptoms can be managed. The pain Depression inflicts on me is much more manageable with my medication. Still the thought of it never going away, always lying in wait to strike when I'm not expecting it...well that's a real bummer to say the least.
And always I'm tormented by the thought that my Depression is my fault. When I look at it on one hand, my illness is neither something I've chosen, or have control over, any more than any other illness. But then I look at it again and think, so what does that mean about my thoughts? I'm not in control of them? When a delusional person thinks he's flying around having tea parties with unicorns, that thought certainly isn't in there control. Which of my thoughts are mine, and which are a product of an ill brain? It's difficult, if not impossible to say. I feel like there are some things I can do to make my Depression better, so in that way, at least part of it is in my control, so could possibly be my fault. But maybe I just want to think that there's something I can do to make it go away, because the alternative is impossible to deal with. What if there is simply nothing I can do to make it go away? What if it's always there for the rest of my life? Well, that does mean it's not my fault, which relieves me of guilt. But on the other hand, I almost want it to be my fault. I want my suffering to be because of something I did wrong, that way I can find out what I did wrong, then get to fixing it. However, the more I learn in life from reading and talking to people, the more I'm realizing this is most likely not the case. So I guess that leaves me still in between all of these questions with no answers. But even though it is rather frustrating, I think I'm ok with that for the moment.
Today I was thinking back through last year, and wondering what I'd accomplished. Do you always feel like you have to accomplish something? I always feel like I need to be accomplishing something at all times. It's really hard for me to relax. Maybe that's just me though. I was frustrated though, to feel like I hadn't accomplished much over the past school year. I made it through, and that's really the most I can say about that. I'm currently on a medication that I'll stay on for the summer. It helps more than any other medication and has the least side effects, but even though I really want it to work out, I feel certain there are more medication changes in my future, because I'm still not really where I'd like to be. I'm not looking forward to that, but I'll deal with when I get there.
Lately it's been difficult for me to think about the future, because I look in my future and see my Depression following me for the rest of my life. I used to dream about a day when I would be completely healed from it, but I don't think that's ever going to happen. I am almost certain this disease will continue to hurt me for the rest of my life. The only way I can really handle that thought is to acknowledge that at least my symptoms can be managed. The pain Depression inflicts on me is much more manageable with my medication. Still the thought of it never going away, always lying in wait to strike when I'm not expecting it...well that's a real bummer to say the least.
And always I'm tormented by the thought that my Depression is my fault. When I look at it on one hand, my illness is neither something I've chosen, or have control over, any more than any other illness. But then I look at it again and think, so what does that mean about my thoughts? I'm not in control of them? When a delusional person thinks he's flying around having tea parties with unicorns, that thought certainly isn't in there control. Which of my thoughts are mine, and which are a product of an ill brain? It's difficult, if not impossible to say. I feel like there are some things I can do to make my Depression better, so in that way, at least part of it is in my control, so could possibly be my fault. But maybe I just want to think that there's something I can do to make it go away, because the alternative is impossible to deal with. What if there is simply nothing I can do to make it go away? What if it's always there for the rest of my life? Well, that does mean it's not my fault, which relieves me of guilt. But on the other hand, I almost want it to be my fault. I want my suffering to be because of something I did wrong, that way I can find out what I did wrong, then get to fixing it. However, the more I learn in life from reading and talking to people, the more I'm realizing this is most likely not the case. So I guess that leaves me still in between all of these questions with no answers. But even though it is rather frustrating, I think I'm ok with that for the moment.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Wow, it's been a month
I just looked at my blog and realized it's been a month since I've posted anything. I don't know how many people even read this, or care, but I think it's good for me to sit down and reflect for a while, even though I don't have too many things specifically formed in my mind that I want to say.
The reason I put off writing another post for so long was because I was going to make some sort of statement about the adults reading my blog, but then I changed my mind. I was mad when I first discovered my parents sent my blog to a ton of people I both knew well and barely knew. It angered me because they neither asked for my permission to share it, nor told me afterwards that they shared it. I had to find out from someone else. However, the more I reflected on it, the more I realized how I'm not going to be able to keep it from people anyway. I thought about this blog for a long time, and eventually decided I would go with it anyway, even though I knew there was a risk many people in my life I didn't want reading this would possibly find it. I put my story out in public with the knowledge that this is the internet and indeed anyone can read it. I am trying really hard not to care what other people think about me as well, so I'll just have to deal with whatever judgements come my way, both good and bad as well as misguided.
I don't much mind my friends reading my blog, because I feel like for the most part, people in my generation are much more accepting of mental illness than any generations before us. I hope the trend continues of more acceptance and understanding of mental illness as time goes on. Also, I certainly have met people my age who are just as misjudging as adults, so I just have to work to forgive people who hurt me, especially because for the most part it is unintentional. I also try hard to work for better understanding of mental illness, even though it's still super difficult for me to talk about in person to all but my closest friends.
However, I still feel like there are so many misconceptions about mental illness, and especially depression, that I will most likely cease writing in my blog during the summer. I may have a post or two more, but once I start working, I'll probably stop, because I don't want to jeopardize my job. I would hope that for the most part, people would be understanding, but one can never know, and I've had many bad experiences with discussing mental health with adults. Also, people who have mental illnesses aren't guaranteed to have a job. I was reading about discrimination, and discrimintion against all sorts of things isn't allowed in the work place, but mental illness is not one of those things. So just to be on the safe side, I'll probably not post here while I'm working.
I am sort of just rambling through this post saying whatever is on my mind. There isn't really much central purpose to it. But I guess there doesn't have to be, because it's a blog post. I was just thinking however, that from my perspective, depression is the most stigmatized mental illness. I may be biased, since I suffer from depression, but I do feel like this is taken the least seriously by people. I feel like for the most part, people accept any other mental illness, like schizophrenia, for example, as being more valid than depression. I think it's because people look at some mental illnesses and say they don't understand what's going on, and categorize people as "crazy" and needing help. When people look at depression, they often think, or even say to me, yea, I know exactly what that's like, everyone gets really really sad about things and feels hopeless and down. But depression is so much more beyond that that I don't even know what to say to those things except that people who think they know what depression is, often times really don't. I think part of it may also have to do with the casual way people throw around the word depression, or say that they're feeling depressed. I think that Depression, as an illness, should have a different name. I don't really have any suggestions as to what, but it was just a thought. Also, another reason I probably think Depression is the most stigmatized, is because it's what I suffer from, so I stigmatize myself. I blame myself for my Depression, since that's what many people around me do. My self-esteem for many years has been tiny shattered pieces here and there.
On a completely unrelated note, I felt really good seeing all the people that told me Happy Birthday. I really made me feel loved for a little bit. Which is something, because I very very rarely feel loved. But that could be a whole other blog post and I've already written a lot and I'm tired, so I'm going to sleep.
The reason I put off writing another post for so long was because I was going to make some sort of statement about the adults reading my blog, but then I changed my mind. I was mad when I first discovered my parents sent my blog to a ton of people I both knew well and barely knew. It angered me because they neither asked for my permission to share it, nor told me afterwards that they shared it. I had to find out from someone else. However, the more I reflected on it, the more I realized how I'm not going to be able to keep it from people anyway. I thought about this blog for a long time, and eventually decided I would go with it anyway, even though I knew there was a risk many people in my life I didn't want reading this would possibly find it. I put my story out in public with the knowledge that this is the internet and indeed anyone can read it. I am trying really hard not to care what other people think about me as well, so I'll just have to deal with whatever judgements come my way, both good and bad as well as misguided.
I don't much mind my friends reading my blog, because I feel like for the most part, people in my generation are much more accepting of mental illness than any generations before us. I hope the trend continues of more acceptance and understanding of mental illness as time goes on. Also, I certainly have met people my age who are just as misjudging as adults, so I just have to work to forgive people who hurt me, especially because for the most part it is unintentional. I also try hard to work for better understanding of mental illness, even though it's still super difficult for me to talk about in person to all but my closest friends.
However, I still feel like there are so many misconceptions about mental illness, and especially depression, that I will most likely cease writing in my blog during the summer. I may have a post or two more, but once I start working, I'll probably stop, because I don't want to jeopardize my job. I would hope that for the most part, people would be understanding, but one can never know, and I've had many bad experiences with discussing mental health with adults. Also, people who have mental illnesses aren't guaranteed to have a job. I was reading about discrimination, and discrimintion against all sorts of things isn't allowed in the work place, but mental illness is not one of those things. So just to be on the safe side, I'll probably not post here while I'm working.
I am sort of just rambling through this post saying whatever is on my mind. There isn't really much central purpose to it. But I guess there doesn't have to be, because it's a blog post. I was just thinking however, that from my perspective, depression is the most stigmatized mental illness. I may be biased, since I suffer from depression, but I do feel like this is taken the least seriously by people. I feel like for the most part, people accept any other mental illness, like schizophrenia, for example, as being more valid than depression. I think it's because people look at some mental illnesses and say they don't understand what's going on, and categorize people as "crazy" and needing help. When people look at depression, they often think, or even say to me, yea, I know exactly what that's like, everyone gets really really sad about things and feels hopeless and down. But depression is so much more beyond that that I don't even know what to say to those things except that people who think they know what depression is, often times really don't. I think part of it may also have to do with the casual way people throw around the word depression, or say that they're feeling depressed. I think that Depression, as an illness, should have a different name. I don't really have any suggestions as to what, but it was just a thought. Also, another reason I probably think Depression is the most stigmatized, is because it's what I suffer from, so I stigmatize myself. I blame myself for my Depression, since that's what many people around me do. My self-esteem for many years has been tiny shattered pieces here and there.
On a completely unrelated note, I felt really good seeing all the people that told me Happy Birthday. I really made me feel loved for a little bit. Which is something, because I very very rarely feel loved. But that could be a whole other blog post and I've already written a lot and I'm tired, so I'm going to sleep.
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