Dear Mental Illness

I found this cool website today where people submit letters to their mental illnesses I thought it was really interesting. http://www.dearmentalillness.com/

I really related to one note on there that I thought I'd share here.

Dear Depression

You’ve been a part of my life for so long you’re almost like a friend. But friend I have to say I hate you. I hate everything that you’ve ever done to me. I hate the way you have dragged me into such deep and dark places without thinking or caring about my life. I hate that you have such a control over me, a control that I may never hope to win back. I hate what you have done to my friends and family, none of whom deserve such pain. I hate that at any moment you can creep up on me and snatch my life away. I hate the relationships you’ve ruined completely without a second thought. Most of all I hate you for being such a massive part of my life, you’re always there, you’re always on the sidelines waiting to pounce. I hate you so deeply. If I could kill you I would, but that of course is exactly what you want me to do because then you would have won. I will fight and fight to never let you get the better of me. 

Original Source 

I don't relate to exactly all of the sentiments there, (I can't ever see me calling my depression my friend) but the general expression of hating depression, but continuing to fight, was something I related to and enjoyed reading.

Theology Camp--looking back

I was reading an email from Dr. Fred Edie today and had some interesting thoughts. Somehow, like the Israelites in the desert, I always seem to forget the amazing things God has done in my life. Reading that email made all the memories flood back to me of how loved and alive and wonderful I felt being at theology camp. How I could see and feel God everywhere. I was really struck by how Dr. Edie said "In the most important sense who you were then is identical to who you are now. You are created, claimed, beloved in Christ. Remember? Remember who you are?" I read that and was like HOLY CRAP HE'S SO RIGHT! I don't think I've ever thought about life in quite that way before. For the first second after I read that I was like hold on, I am NOT identical to who I was then. I've changed a lot, I was silly then and made huge mistakes and there were so many things I didn't know...oh wait, I guess all of that is still true... and even if drastic changes have taken place in my life, I am still God's. Another thought that struck me was the unimportance of everything else in my life. For a long time, if not most of my life, I have been constantly running from who I was in the past, despising what I've been and also who I am, trying to be perfect while realizing that will never happen. It was such a relief to read that I am IDENTICAL right now to who I was 3 years ago, 5 years ago, or 10 years ago. I am a flawed human being who needs God and who is loved by God. and that's really all that matters.

I've been really struggling the past week trying to figure out who I am. I know that sounds kind of like a silly abstract kind of thing, but it was in a realistic, I don't know who I am kind of way. I was talking to my therapist and she said I seem to know my illness, my depression, better than I know myself. I realized she was absolutely right and it was frightening to think about how little I could remember of who I am outside of my depression. It was an intense struggle to conjure up memories and descriptions of who I am that are untainted by depression. I looked back through photos on facebook and looking at school, summer camp, and I was like oh yea, that's what I'm like, I like singing, horses, people, snuggling, kids, outdoors. However, I still was fighting with myself, and I will continue to do so in the future. But, when I read Dr. Edie's email and felt completely peaceful. Because I realized I am God's. and that's it. period. I was like oh, yea, I do remember, that is who I am. I'm a flawed person who's made many mistakes and will make many more, but God's love for me does not depend on my love for Him. Isn't that great? It was relaxing to take a break from my struggle for perfection, because if I'm identical now to who I've been in the past, it's obvious that trying to be perfect isn't working and never will. and that God loves me anyway.

Inspiring Stories

I stumbled upon these two articles about mental health and college life, and I found them to be very inspiring and encouraging. They are both sort of long articles, but I thought they were very interesting a beautifully written.


This article is from a student at Yale.
Everyone's Battle: Confronting College Depression

This article is from a student at Harvard.
I Am Fine

I really loved reading both of these stories, because I see my story in them, I see my friend's stories in them, and I see that we're not alone. I love the call to more honest conversations about mental health in college settings, particularly in challenging academic environments where everyone is trying to do their best, and seem like they have everything together.

Top things I hate/love to hear when people talk about my depression

For some reason I'm just in an angry mood and want to vent about things that well meaning people have said to me that really tick me off.

1. Oh yea, I know what it's like to be depressed. I failed a test once and was really depressed for like two days.
2. Anything suggesting that if I had a better relationship with God, prayed more, read the Bible more, etc, then I wouldn't be depressed.
3. My life/starving children in africa's lives are much worse than yours are, so what do you have to be depressed about?
4. I know you've struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts for years, but EVERYONE feels like that, and you just have to get over it.

Again, all things that have been said to me, most multiple times over many years. Usually from adults, so I've never felt comfortable contradicting them. Also, I have problems with asserting myself anyway. But hearing those things is so freaking annoying. and unhelpful.

Just so this isn't entirely a complaint, here are some of my favorite things people have said to me when I've been depressed.

1. I love you.
2. It's not your fault.
3. Any sort of joke or funny story.
4. You're awesome.

Those simple things can be very comforting when I'm suffering. I hate people trying to fix me or assuming they can help because they've been "depressed" before. Having depression and being depressed aren't the same thing. Clinical depression, I feel, should have a different name, because it's such a serious mental illness, and people think it's the same thing as being depressed because something bad happened. I'm not trying to minimize people who have bad things happen to them and are sad or depressed, just trying to say there is a difference between clinical depression and being depressed. On the other hand, I love hearing from people who do suffer from clinical depression, because they usually know the right things to say, or at least less damaging things. Also, it's just nice to not be alone. /rant

Also, I bought a fish. He's beautiful.

Good news & not so good news

Well the good news is that I haven't felt suicidal since Christmas break, despite a lot of bad things happening. It's pretty encouraging and makes me feel slightly hopeful. I think that this new medication is really helpful.

The not so good news is that I've still been pretty depressed. I was really depressed at the start of school, but I had finally gotten back into the swing of school, and had a pretty decent week or so, then found out last Monday that my dog died. He was 11 years old and my best friend. He was my only friend throughout much of high school, when I was dealing with depression and panic attacks he was always snuggled next to me in bed. I cried all last week. I've still been sad this week, but feeling less sad about that particular situation, and more just generally depressed. I had a conversation today with one of my best friends about ending our friendship, for reasons I won't detail here. My friend convinced me out of doing this for the moment, but is going to leave me alone for a while. While I think that this is for the best, it still leaves me rather sad on top of the general dreariness I've been feeling the past two weeks. I have massive amounts of homework to do tomorrow that I don't want to do. Actually I really want to get it done, but I'm so depressed that I can barely type these sentences and just stared at the work I had to do tonight. Tonight I was even too depressed to enjoy reading Harry Potter, which if you know me at all, know that that is a big deal. I've barely been able to pull myself out of bed for classes the past two weeks. I need a reason to get up tomorrow. If anyone feels like giving me a reason, that would be cool. Any words of encouragement would be nice. Or pictures/videos of funny things. If you get a chance, shoot something my way and I'd appreciate it.

These past two weeks have been pretty bad, but at least I'm not completely losing my rationality to suicidal thoughts. That's a nice change, though things are still pretty difficult, I'm still taking life one step at a time.

Back to School

I am not happy about being back at school. I really enjoyed break and really don't enjoy the massive amounts of homework I have. I do enjoy seeing my friends again though, and love my choir. I'm becoming happier the more things I'm getting back into the swing of at school. I haven't written in a while because I don't really know what to say. I feel weird. I told a friend that and they asked "weird in a good or bad way?" I said I don't know. I feel better in one way. I think this new medication is pretty good. I have very few side effects from it and it has decreased the frequency with which I experience such debilitatingly painful depression that I wish I was dead. So that is definitely good. However, I'm not really sure what normal is supposed to feel like. Suicidal thoughts clearly fall into the "not normal" or problematic category, but other than that, I don't feel like I really know where the line is drawn between normal bad and depression bad. I've been operating so long on having to deal with depression bad, that now that I feel  normal bad, I'm not sure I know how to deal with it, or even describe how I feel. I'm actually not really sure that if I'm feeling normal bad or abnormal bad. It's just weird. I feel frustrated by the lack of language I can come up with to describe how I'm feeling right now. I don't know how I feel and I don't know what to do to make me feel better. But even as I type that, I'm thinking to myself, do I actually feel bad? Because for so long, bad has typically been synonymous with unbearably depressed bad, that I don't even know how to define my life anymore. Perhaps I'll get better at it with practice. I don't even know if what I'm typing makes sense. Oh well.
Anyway, I found this song lyric as I was browsing through my journal, which I hadn't read in a while, but it really inspired me when I was feeling bad in high school. It made me smile to find it today.
So hold your head up high and know
It's not the end of the road.
Walk this beaten path before
You pack your things and head home.
At the end of the road
You'll find what you've been longing for
You'll find what you've been longing for.
I know 'cause my feet have the scars to show.
-Underoath

If you're a friend that has encouraged me during these past few weeks, I want you to know I appreciate you. I am so lucky to have the friends that I do.

Christmas Break

Breaks from school are always hard for me. All my friends are gone, and I don't talk to them much. I do enjoy coming home and being able to see the stars at night, snuggle with my poodle on the couch watching a movie with my family as my dad snores and eat my favorite dinners my mom cooked for me. I like hanging out with my brother too. However I miss school. It is nice to not have any deadlines for things that are due, but I almost miss the constant business. I like knowing that I have to be in classes at a certain time, have choir practice, therapy, and yoga at certain times. I don't like having a lot of time to myself to think. I hate listening to myself. I tried doing it earlier, and actually managed it for about a minute. But then I got on the computer.

I feel like this new medication I'm on may be the right one for me. It has some unfortunate side effects, but my mind has felt much healthier the last few weeks, though I still have many more struggles to work through. I haven't wanted to die for like two weeks, which is the longest I've gone since summer. Coming home made me think about dying for the first time in a while, though not seriously or for very long.

I want to be perfect. Don't you? Maybe not, maybe you've realized that's a silly thought, but I still hold that belief. I will tell you that I honestly believe I will never be perfect in this life; however, my actions still strive for perfection constantly. I can never accept who I am, or where I'm at in life. But maybe I'll be able to someday. At least I'm at the point where I can objectively look at the situation. My therapists and some of my friends always tell me I'm very insightful into my problems. To which I respond, that's great, but it doesn't really do much for me, because I can't get out. One thing at a time though. I'm not perfect.

Late night ramblings almost done now...hope I spelled everything right and used correct grammar. If not, please forgive me.

And I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season. :)