What would I give up?

Lately I've been thinking about what I would or wouldn't give to be rid of my depression.

I was thinking about all the things I've already given. Almost all my savings from high school and almost all my money earned over the summer in college. I give away my pride and dignity every time I go to a counselors office, psychiatrists office, or counseling and wellness at my school. I've given lots of time and tears and effort to therapy, purchased and read several books my therapists recommended. I've spent hours online trying to look into the best ways of helping myself, either personally, or by looking for the right people to help. I feel like I spend the majority of my time thinking about my depression, how I could get rid of it, what I could do to make it better, what I should avoid to make it worse.

I started a new medication about a month ago, in addition to the medication I was already taking. While the first medication I was on, helped in the fact that it allowed me to (most of the time) at least remember having been happy before while I was having a suicidal episode, where I couldn't do that before no matter what notes I wrote myself or had friends tell me. However, the level of pain I experience from my depression was so unbearable as to reach being suicidal often, so my psychiatrist and I decided to try a new medication in addition to the one I was already taking. Any time I change my medication, it makes me very physically sick. It hurts my head and stomach and makes me dizzy and nauseated, and sometimes has other effects. Those things are nothing to the pain my depression brings me. However, this new medication, like other SSRI's I've tried, makes me extremely tired. This isn't much of a problem now since I'm on winter break, but it will be if I go back to school. Last time I was on SSRI's I was sleeping 10 hours a night and taking multiple hour naps during the day. It's difficult to get much schoolwork done that way.

However, since being on my new antidepressant, I haven't been suicidal once, which is much better than the few times a week that I was before I got on it. I still don't feel super, but that is a nice improvement. But is it worth it if I can't get schoolwork done? Is it worth it to want to live, but be to tired to do anything? What can I feasibly give up in order to be well again? I'm not sure. I've been thinking about it all break. My stomach hasn't worked properly in a year because of my first antidepressant. I decided it was worth it though, to be able to hold onto a sliver of reality when I'm trapped by irrationality and pain. I don't know if not sleeping is worth not being suicidal though. Because being sleepy and being depressed are sometimes similar feelings. Before trying this new medication, I was actually slightly considering the possibility of trying electroshock therapy, or some sort of brain surgery, because I've read about those things helping persistent cases of depression. Those things can have unwanted side effects like losing your memory though, so I'm probably not going to go there any time soon. But it's still something I think about. Because I've suffered so much pain these past 7 years and I've long ago forgotten what being healthy was like. I feel like I would do anything to get rid of my depression, but if I get rid of feeling awake, or my memories, will life be worth living then? I don't know.

Just things I've been thinking about. As always, feel free to comment. Hope everyone is having a nice holiday break, I know I am.

Homosexuality, Depression, and Christianity

I've wanted to write my thoughts about homosexuality, depression and Christianity for some time. I was trying to think the other day where my belief that homosexuality isn't wrong came from. I wasn't raised to believe that, and I haven't had any sudden revelation about it. I haven't found sufficient evidence for me to discount my belief that there isn't anything wrong with a loving homosexual relationship. I read two open letters, one a while ago and one recently, and I agree with most of the points they're making, and I suppose these things may have influenced my beliefs. I have links to them if you're interested in reading them.

http://www.soulforce.org/article/453
http://www.mlp.org/fmd/files/DesmondTutuLetter.pdf

The most common argument I hear against homosexuality is that the Bible forbids it. It is true that there are Bible verses forbidding homosexual acts. However, having read almost the entire Bible, I still don't feel like homosexuality is wrong. I believe that the Bible is the word of God, and I try to live my life by the principles I find in it, the most important one being to love God and other people. The old testament forbids many things that Christians today do not follow, so the old law most Christians don't enforce anyway. There is a new testament verse or two condemning homosexual acts, but the new testament also says women should say silent in church; however, I know most Christians also support women pastors, although there is still debate going on about that. The new and old testament were also used to support slavery, which was clearly wrong, and no one would say that slavery is a good thing today. I don't think the Bible was written so we could use it to condemn groups of people. I feel that the issue with homosexuality is very similar to these issues. It doesn't mean we should ignore the Bible or that what it says doesn't matter, I just think it's important to read it with love and justice in mind.

The Bible was also and still is used to condemn scientific principles that are discovered about our world and universe that we live in. As someone who loves both theology and science, I don't think that has to be the case at all. The Bible is not a science textbook. People used to think it was heresy to say the earth revolved around the sun, because there are Bible verses saying the earth doesn't move. However, I think most people now accept that the earth moves around the sun and believe in God without experiencing conflicting feelings.

I do know many Christians who say they love homosexual people they just disagree with the choices they're making. I also hear people say homosexuality isn't natural. There are increasing amounts of scientific evidence that being homosexual or bisexual isn't a choice. That makes sense to me, because I don't recall ever making a choice to be attracted to men. I just am naturally attracted to them. I have talked to homosexual Christians who have struggled so much with trying to not be attracted to the "wrong" sex, but they eventually come to the realization that the gender they are attracted to isn't a choice. So I have a hard time believing that something that isn't a choice would be a sin.

This leads me into just a short tie in with depression. I feel empathy for homosexual Christians, because I feel like as a Christian with a mental illness I have been wrongfully condemned for my "sin" and bad choices I make to be depressed or anxious. There are also Bible verses used against my illness where people say the Bible says to not be depressed or anxious, and tell me my feelings are sinful and my fault. I grew up thinking that, and it's been very difficult for me to pull away from that belief, as people still tell me things like this frequently. After having depression and anxiety for 7 years though, meeting many other people with depression, and seeing scientific research that has been done, I've concluded that me and many others have a disease which was not our fault or choice and therefore isn't a sin. I'm not at all trying to say homosexuality is like an illness, just that I feel sad for those who are told being homosexual, or having depression is sinful, because I feel like the Bible and Christianity are being used to hurt rather than help people.

One last thing I was going to say was just to request that if you disagree with anything I've said, that you would discuss it in a calm manner.

Peace.

New Post

I haven't posted here in a while. I don't even know whether people actually read this or get anything out of it, but I thought I'd post again, because I enjoy it. I went a while without posting on here because I made some new friends that I wanted to tell that I had depression before they read about it in my blog. It was hard to do. I have a hard time telling people I have depression. Once they know, and I know they're cool about it, I don't have a problem talking about it, but telling them the first time is difficult.

When I came back to school this year, I felt like I was starting over. I ended a  friendship with one of my friends that was having a tremendous negative affect on me. He was just not good for me, and it was really hard to let go, because he was good to me, but I just had to do what was best for my health. Then I made several new friends, and I love meeting new people. So school started out pretty well.

It actually became bad because of my therapist. I saw her briefly at the end of my freshman year, all during my sophomore year, and I saw her once this year, for the last time. I really liked her. However, I had just a few issues with how therapy was going. I didn't want to spend so much time talking about my week and wanted more input from her because I felt like me talking the whole time wasn't getting me anywhere, and I didn't like when I was forced to talk about my dog dying, which I acknowledged was mostly my parents fault for calling her without my permission to tell her my dog had died. I was really scared to tell her though, because I don't like controversy and when people are doing something I don't like, I just usually try to ignore it. When I saw her the first time this year, I politely told her about my new friends and how school was going. Then I said I had a few issues, and told her the issues I just mentioned, and she freaked out. She got really mad at me, though she said she was just "really frustrated" with me for coming in to see her "with guns blazing". I was very upset, because I had done no such thing and I did not mean to upset her. She isn't my friend, which she's said herself many times, she's supposed to be my doctor. Then she went on to say that my concerns weren't related to her but were my fault because I only saw her twice a week, and I wasn't making any effort to help myself. I was utterly floored by these accusations and had nothing to say to them, and then our appointment time was over, and I walked out stuttering and crying. She knows I can't afford to go to therapy every week because I have to pay for seeing her myself and there's only so much I can work while also doing school and having to pay for my psychiatrist visits and medication. And I have done just about every single thing she asked or even suggested in a prompt manner and then discussed it with her. For her to say that I wasn't making any effort, just ripped me apart. I was so scared to talk to her about my issues with her, and then she reacted worse than I could have possibly ever imagined. I certainly won't be seeing her again, because she lost all my trust and respect for her. I don't really know that I want to see anyone else, because how can I trust anyone again? And what if she's right? What if everything is my fault because I wasn't trying enough? My therapist in high school said I didn't try very much, and I actually wasn't doing much then, because I was so catatonic I didn't really do much of anything. Also she wasn't a great therapist. But I didn't for one second think I wasn't trying enough or doing enough with my most recent therapist. I thought I was doing the absolute best I could. But if my best looks like nothing to her, maybe it is nothing. Even now, weeks later, this still brings tears to my eyes. It may not seem like that big a deal, because most of my friends haven't acted like it's a big deal, but I've only ever felt more betrayed once in my life, and that was a really bad situation, which my close friends may or may not know what I'm referencing to. I was doing pretty well before I saw my therapist this year, but I've been a wreck since then. I can't hold myself together. I keep losing it and falling apart. My depression is tormenting me. And all the friends I usually talk to about my depression are either too depressed themselves to talk to me, or just too busy for me. So suffice it to say, I'm not doing great right now. That's about all I have to say. I usually try to end things on a hopeful note, but it's just not there for me right now.

Something not depressing

I'm not sure I've written about anything other than things relating to depression in this blog. Depression is a big part of my life and I have a lot to say about it, but I just wanted to write a short post about other things on my week off of work.

I heard Dr. Hauerwas speak a few weeks ago, and hearing from the countries' best theologian was one of the many awesome things I did that weekend. He read some from his autobiography Hannah's Child, which I have just ordered on amazon and can't wait to get. I also was just reading things about him online and came across this article http://www.huffingtonpost.com/stanley-hauerwas/people-are-surprised-that_b_599230.html entitled The Surprise of Being a Christian. The following is a quote from that article.

"I still find it surprising that I am a Christian. God is just not there for me the way God is there for some people. I am not complaining. I assume that that is the way God works to make some of us have to think hard about what it means to worship God. I use the language of worship rather than belief because I am never sure if I believe in God. I do not trust myself enough to take what I believe seriously. But I do worship God, and I do so with joy."

I don't know what he means about God not being there for him the way he is for some people, but I'm really interested to find out when I read his book. But I empathize with that feeling. I've also read about how Mother Theresa went most of her life without feeling like God was there. I certainly go long periods of time without feeling God at all. I also think hard about what it means to believe in God. And lately I've been unsure that I believe in God. But I do also worship God, and do it with joy and love. I think I might want to go to divinity school. But not to be a pastor. I think I might want to be a theologian like Hauerwas. Or a college professor for either Psychology or Biology. Or possibly a genetic counselor. Or a stay at home mom. Or something else. But I enjoyed hearing from Hauerwas because I feel like he's really honest, because he swears when he's talking about theology and laughs at religious people. Not in a mean way, just in a not letting anyone take themselves too seriously sort of way. I liked that he said that it was great to be interested in theology but not want to be a pastor. He also said theology was just working with words and lots of reading. I love reading. and writing. and words.

So yea, that's about all I had to say about that. Just thought I'd share what was on my mind.

Questions and Accomplishments

Now that I got out my angry-ness in my last post, I thought I'd write a more reflective post.

Today I was thinking back through last year, and wondering what I'd accomplished. Do you always feel like you have to accomplish something? I always feel like I need to be accomplishing something at all times. It's really hard for me to relax. Maybe that's just me though. I was frustrated though, to feel like I hadn't accomplished much over the past school year. I made it through, and that's really the most I can say about that. I'm currently on a medication that I'll stay on for the summer. It helps more than any other medication and has the least side effects, but even though I really want it to work out, I feel certain there are more medication changes in my future, because I'm still not really where I'd like to be. I'm not looking forward to that, but I'll deal with when I get there.

Lately it's been difficult for me to think about the future, because I look in my future and see my Depression following me for the rest of my life. I used to dream about a day when I would be completely healed from it, but I don't think that's ever going to happen. I am almost certain this disease will continue to hurt me for the rest of my life. The only way I can really handle that thought is to acknowledge that at least my symptoms can be managed. The pain Depression inflicts on me is much more manageable with my medication. Still the thought of it never going away, always lying in wait to strike when I'm not expecting it...well that's a real bummer to say the least.

And always I'm tormented by the thought that my Depression is my fault. When I look at it on one hand, my illness is neither something I've chosen, or have control over, any more than any other illness. But then I look at it again and think, so what does that mean about my thoughts? I'm not in control of them? When a delusional person thinks he's flying around having tea parties with unicorns, that thought certainly isn't in there control. Which of my thoughts are mine, and which are a product of an ill brain? It's difficult, if not impossible to say. I feel like there are some things I can do to make my Depression better, so in that way, at least part of it is in my control, so could possibly be my fault. But maybe I just want to think that there's something I can do to make it go away, because the alternative is impossible to deal with. What if there is simply nothing I can do to make it go away? What if it's always there for the rest of my life? Well, that does mean it's not my fault, which relieves me of guilt. But on the other hand, I almost want it to be my fault. I want my suffering to be because of something I did wrong, that way I can find out what I did wrong, then get to fixing it. However, the more I learn in life from reading and talking to people, the more I'm realizing this is most likely not the case. So I guess that leaves me still in between all of these questions with no answers. But even though it is rather frustrating, I think I'm ok with that for the moment.

Wow, it's been a month

I just looked at my blog and realized it's been a month since I've posted anything. I don't know how many people even read this, or care, but I think it's good for me to sit down and reflect for a while, even though I don't have too many things specifically formed in my mind that I want to say.

The reason I put off writing another post for so long was because I was going to make some sort of statement about the adults reading my blog, but then I changed my mind. I was mad when I first discovered my parents sent my blog to a ton of people I both knew well and barely knew. It angered me because they neither asked for my permission to share it, nor told me afterwards that they shared it. I had to find out from someone else. However, the more I reflected on it, the more I realized how I'm not going to be able to keep it from people anyway. I thought about this blog for a long time, and eventually decided I would go with it anyway, even though I knew there was a risk many people in my life I didn't want reading this would possibly find it. I put my story out in public with the knowledge that this is the internet and indeed anyone can read it. I am trying really hard not to care what other people think about me as well, so I'll just have to deal with whatever judgements come my way, both good and bad as well as misguided.

I don't much mind my friends reading my blog, because I feel like for the most part, people in my generation are much more accepting of mental illness than any generations before us. I hope the trend continues of more acceptance and understanding of mental illness as time goes on. Also, I certainly have met people my age who are just as misjudging as adults, so I just have to work to forgive people who hurt me, especially because for the most part it is unintentional. I also try hard to work for better understanding of mental illness, even though it's still super difficult for me to talk about in person to all but my closest friends.

However, I still feel like there are so many misconceptions about mental illness, and especially depression, that I will most likely cease writing in my blog during the summer. I may have a post or two more, but once I start working, I'll probably stop, because I don't want to jeopardize my job. I would hope that for the most part, people would be understanding, but one can never know, and I've had many bad experiences with discussing mental health with adults. Also, people who have mental illnesses aren't guaranteed to have a job. I was reading about discrimination, and discrimintion against all sorts of things isn't allowed in the work place, but mental illness is not one of those things. So just to be on the safe side, I'll probably not post here while I'm working.

I am sort of just rambling through this post saying whatever is on my mind. There isn't really much central purpose to it. But I guess there doesn't have to be, because it's a blog post. I was just thinking however, that from my perspective, depression is the most stigmatized mental illness. I may be biased, since I suffer from depression, but I do feel like this is taken the least seriously by people. I feel like for the most part, people accept any other mental illness, like schizophrenia, for example, as being more valid than depression. I think it's because people look at some mental illnesses and say they don't understand what's going on, and categorize people as "crazy" and needing help. When people look at depression, they often think, or even say to me, yea, I know exactly what that's like, everyone gets really really sad about things and feels hopeless and down. But depression is so much more beyond that that I don't even know what to say to those things except that people who think they know what depression is, often times really don't. I think part of it may also have to do with the casual way people throw around the word depression, or say that they're feeling depressed. I think that Depression, as an illness, should have a different name. I don't really have any suggestions as to what, but it was just a thought. Also, another reason I probably think Depression is the most stigmatized, is because it's what I suffer from, so I stigmatize myself. I blame myself for my Depression, since that's what many people around me do. My self-esteem for many years has been tiny shattered pieces here and there.

On a completely unrelated note, I felt really good seeing all the people that told me Happy Birthday. I really made me feel loved for a little bit. Which is something, because I very very rarely feel loved. But that could be a whole other blog post and I've already written a lot and I'm tired, so I'm going to sleep.

Dear Mental Illness

I found this cool website today where people submit letters to their mental illnesses I thought it was really interesting. http://www.dearmentalillness.com/

I really related to one note on there that I thought I'd share here.

Dear Depression

You’ve been a part of my life for so long you’re almost like a friend. But friend I have to say I hate you. I hate everything that you’ve ever done to me. I hate the way you have dragged me into such deep and dark places without thinking or caring about my life. I hate that you have such a control over me, a control that I may never hope to win back. I hate what you have done to my friends and family, none of whom deserve such pain. I hate that at any moment you can creep up on me and snatch my life away. I hate the relationships you’ve ruined completely without a second thought. Most of all I hate you for being such a massive part of my life, you’re always there, you’re always on the sidelines waiting to pounce. I hate you so deeply. If I could kill you I would, but that of course is exactly what you want me to do because then you would have won. I will fight and fight to never let you get the better of me. 

Original Source 

I don't relate to exactly all of the sentiments there, (I can't ever see me calling my depression my friend) but the general expression of hating depression, but continuing to fight, was something I related to and enjoyed reading.

Theology Camp--looking back

I was reading an email from Dr. Fred Edie today and had some interesting thoughts. Somehow, like the Israelites in the desert, I always seem to forget the amazing things God has done in my life. Reading that email made all the memories flood back to me of how loved and alive and wonderful I felt being at theology camp. How I could see and feel God everywhere. I was really struck by how Dr. Edie said "In the most important sense who you were then is identical to who you are now. You are created, claimed, beloved in Christ. Remember? Remember who you are?" I read that and was like HOLY CRAP HE'S SO RIGHT! I don't think I've ever thought about life in quite that way before. For the first second after I read that I was like hold on, I am NOT identical to who I was then. I've changed a lot, I was silly then and made huge mistakes and there were so many things I didn't know...oh wait, I guess all of that is still true... and even if drastic changes have taken place in my life, I am still God's. Another thought that struck me was the unimportance of everything else in my life. For a long time, if not most of my life, I have been constantly running from who I was in the past, despising what I've been and also who I am, trying to be perfect while realizing that will never happen. It was such a relief to read that I am IDENTICAL right now to who I was 3 years ago, 5 years ago, or 10 years ago. I am a flawed human being who needs God and who is loved by God. and that's really all that matters.

I've been really struggling the past week trying to figure out who I am. I know that sounds kind of like a silly abstract kind of thing, but it was in a realistic, I don't know who I am kind of way. I was talking to my therapist and she said I seem to know my illness, my depression, better than I know myself. I realized she was absolutely right and it was frightening to think about how little I could remember of who I am outside of my depression. It was an intense struggle to conjure up memories and descriptions of who I am that are untainted by depression. I looked back through photos on facebook and looking at school, summer camp, and I was like oh yea, that's what I'm like, I like singing, horses, people, snuggling, kids, outdoors. However, I still was fighting with myself, and I will continue to do so in the future. But, when I read Dr. Edie's email and felt completely peaceful. Because I realized I am God's. and that's it. period. I was like oh, yea, I do remember, that is who I am. I'm a flawed person who's made many mistakes and will make many more, but God's love for me does not depend on my love for Him. Isn't that great? It was relaxing to take a break from my struggle for perfection, because if I'm identical now to who I've been in the past, it's obvious that trying to be perfect isn't working and never will. and that God loves me anyway.

Inspiring Stories

I stumbled upon these two articles about mental health and college life, and I found them to be very inspiring and encouraging. They are both sort of long articles, but I thought they were very interesting a beautifully written.


This article is from a student at Yale.
Everyone's Battle: Confronting College Depression

This article is from a student at Harvard.
I Am Fine

I really loved reading both of these stories, because I see my story in them, I see my friend's stories in them, and I see that we're not alone. I love the call to more honest conversations about mental health in college settings, particularly in challenging academic environments where everyone is trying to do their best, and seem like they have everything together.

Top things I hate/love to hear when people talk about my depression

For some reason I'm just in an angry mood and want to vent about things that well meaning people have said to me that really tick me off.

1. Oh yea, I know what it's like to be depressed. I failed a test once and was really depressed for like two days.
2. Anything suggesting that if I had a better relationship with God, prayed more, read the Bible more, etc, then I wouldn't be depressed.
3. My life/starving children in africa's lives are much worse than yours are, so what do you have to be depressed about?
4. I know you've struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts for years, but EVERYONE feels like that, and you just have to get over it.

Again, all things that have been said to me, most multiple times over many years. Usually from adults, so I've never felt comfortable contradicting them. Also, I have problems with asserting myself anyway. But hearing those things is so freaking annoying. and unhelpful.

Just so this isn't entirely a complaint, here are some of my favorite things people have said to me when I've been depressed.

1. I love you.
2. It's not your fault.
3. Any sort of joke or funny story.
4. You're awesome.

Those simple things can be very comforting when I'm suffering. I hate people trying to fix me or assuming they can help because they've been "depressed" before. Having depression and being depressed aren't the same thing. Clinical depression, I feel, should have a different name, because it's such a serious mental illness, and people think it's the same thing as being depressed because something bad happened. I'm not trying to minimize people who have bad things happen to them and are sad or depressed, just trying to say there is a difference between clinical depression and being depressed. On the other hand, I love hearing from people who do suffer from clinical depression, because they usually know the right things to say, or at least less damaging things. Also, it's just nice to not be alone. /rant

Also, I bought a fish. He's beautiful.

Good news & not so good news

Well the good news is that I haven't felt suicidal since Christmas break, despite a lot of bad things happening. It's pretty encouraging and makes me feel slightly hopeful. I think that this new medication is really helpful.

The not so good news is that I've still been pretty depressed. I was really depressed at the start of school, but I had finally gotten back into the swing of school, and had a pretty decent week or so, then found out last Monday that my dog died. He was 11 years old and my best friend. He was my only friend throughout much of high school, when I was dealing with depression and panic attacks he was always snuggled next to me in bed. I cried all last week. I've still been sad this week, but feeling less sad about that particular situation, and more just generally depressed. I had a conversation today with one of my best friends about ending our friendship, for reasons I won't detail here. My friend convinced me out of doing this for the moment, but is going to leave me alone for a while. While I think that this is for the best, it still leaves me rather sad on top of the general dreariness I've been feeling the past two weeks. I have massive amounts of homework to do tomorrow that I don't want to do. Actually I really want to get it done, but I'm so depressed that I can barely type these sentences and just stared at the work I had to do tonight. Tonight I was even too depressed to enjoy reading Harry Potter, which if you know me at all, know that that is a big deal. I've barely been able to pull myself out of bed for classes the past two weeks. I need a reason to get up tomorrow. If anyone feels like giving me a reason, that would be cool. Any words of encouragement would be nice. Or pictures/videos of funny things. If you get a chance, shoot something my way and I'd appreciate it.

These past two weeks have been pretty bad, but at least I'm not completely losing my rationality to suicidal thoughts. That's a nice change, though things are still pretty difficult, I'm still taking life one step at a time.

Back to School

I am not happy about being back at school. I really enjoyed break and really don't enjoy the massive amounts of homework I have. I do enjoy seeing my friends again though, and love my choir. I'm becoming happier the more things I'm getting back into the swing of at school. I haven't written in a while because I don't really know what to say. I feel weird. I told a friend that and they asked "weird in a good or bad way?" I said I don't know. I feel better in one way. I think this new medication is pretty good. I have very few side effects from it and it has decreased the frequency with which I experience such debilitatingly painful depression that I wish I was dead. So that is definitely good. However, I'm not really sure what normal is supposed to feel like. Suicidal thoughts clearly fall into the "not normal" or problematic category, but other than that, I don't feel like I really know where the line is drawn between normal bad and depression bad. I've been operating so long on having to deal with depression bad, that now that I feel  normal bad, I'm not sure I know how to deal with it, or even describe how I feel. I'm actually not really sure that if I'm feeling normal bad or abnormal bad. It's just weird. I feel frustrated by the lack of language I can come up with to describe how I'm feeling right now. I don't know how I feel and I don't know what to do to make me feel better. But even as I type that, I'm thinking to myself, do I actually feel bad? Because for so long, bad has typically been synonymous with unbearably depressed bad, that I don't even know how to define my life anymore. Perhaps I'll get better at it with practice. I don't even know if what I'm typing makes sense. Oh well.
Anyway, I found this song lyric as I was browsing through my journal, which I hadn't read in a while, but it really inspired me when I was feeling bad in high school. It made me smile to find it today.
So hold your head up high and know
It's not the end of the road.
Walk this beaten path before
You pack your things and head home.
At the end of the road
You'll find what you've been longing for
You'll find what you've been longing for.
I know 'cause my feet have the scars to show.
-Underoath

If you're a friend that has encouraged me during these past few weeks, I want you to know I appreciate you. I am so lucky to have the friends that I do.